WWE: Armageddon 2004
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DVD Cover Information
Actor: Big Show, John Bradshaw Layfield, Kurt Angle, Rob Van DamDVD: Region Code 1
Audio: English (Original Language)
Format: Color, DVD-Video, NTSC
Picture Format: 1.33:1
Running Time: 180 minutes
DVD Release Date: 2005-01-11
Audience Rating: NR (Not Rated)
Studio: World Wrestling
Movie Reviews of WWE: Armageddon 2004
Movie Review: Another great Smackdown bomb!
Summary: 2 Stars
Typical of the WWE, and even more typical of Smackdown, I was beyond privilaged to spend less than 10 dollars on a brand new DVD of this, and be subjected to 3+ hours of laughable "entertainment". This, like the previous Smackdown PPV "No Mercy" was easily forgettable, though this one was made more so because it wasn't as catastrophic as "No Mercy" turned out.
WWE Tag Team Championship
Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio (C) vs Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki?
DIDN'T I SEE THIS MATCH ALREADY?! Oh wait, that was two months ago at No Mercy, and the EXACT SAME COMPETITORS! Did Smackdown run out of random goonies to put together to face these two? The most I can say is that, whoever put laxative in the tag team bookers' coffee and took their place for No Mercy, was not present in the forming of this match, as it was easily the best match of the night, with a lot less Kenzo Suzuki than their No Mercy match. (7/10)
Kurt Angle vs Santa Claus
By god, this was a clash of champions, a bout fit for titans! So monstrously powerful was this bout that Santa Claus's hair flew off his head and revealed a short mop of brown underneath! This 1 and a half minute affair was so thunderously emotional and powerful that it goes beyond the 10 point rating system I established! The only match better put together than this one was my fake Summerslam "prediction" review, proclaiming a tremendous match between John Cena and Batman which would see the caped crusader unable to find the invisible white rapper ("YOU CAIN'T SEE ME!") and thus was defeated by knuckles so powerful they blow the fat off Mark Henry so hard, it goes around the world and back into his body! (0/10)
Dixie Dog Fight
Mike Mizanin vs Daniel Puder
This was a boxing match. If boxing rounds were only a minute long, the boxers wore headgear, there were only three rounds, and they didn't receive any training in actually boxing. I was torn between chosing a martial arts version of Hardcore Holly, complete with lack of gimmick and a dead look in his eye while delivering his promo, you'd think someone had a hand up his butt, moving his mouth and recording his lines later on for the camera, and that uglier-than-Balls-Mahoney-and-Snitsky-combined Real World reject with as much charisma and likeability as a drunk Dane Cook. At the very least I can say the martial artist (Puder) won the match. LOOK OUT UNDERTAKER! ANOTHER CONTENDER FOR THE STATUS OF DEADMAN APPROACHES! (2/10)
The Basham Brothers vs Hardcore Holly and Charlie Haas
Is it last week's Smackdown again? I admit I didn't watch that episode, but this match could have easily been featured twenty or thirty times throughout Smackdown history and I wouldn't have been able to tell the difference. What the WWE does best: fake punches, fake kicks, fake stomps, headlocks, and the most basic wrestling moves galore! (0/10)
United States Championship
John Cena (C) vs Jesus
How in the world could the WWE force our lord and savior to job to that monkey Cena? Oh wait, it's some hispanic guy, HESOOS! This match had everything a typical "CENA ANGRY! ROAR!" match had---Cena looking like a monkey, Cena no-selling moves, Cena stumping about like he's not at all an athlete or wrestler, Cena flexing his biceps and showing off more bulging veins than Spiderman's suit's web-design, and the obligatory taking HESOOS for a walk around the arena without really doing much, just to make it seem like a Street Fight and not a glorified job. (0/10)
Dawn Marie vs Miss Jackie (with Charlie Haas as guest referee)
In full seriousness to guys or girls set to marry someone involved in a match: would you even bother to be fair, if your opponent were someone claiming to be sleeping with you, and no one in the audience or backstage really cared? Exactly what Haas DIDN'T do, but then again, he WAS "sleeping" with Dawn Marie. The ending consisted of him calling her a slut and saying both the women were dumb bitches not good enough for him. In my opinion, Dawn and Jackie should have just beat the crap out of each other as soon as he left. No reason why, just my initial and pervading thought after the match. (0/10)
Kurt Angle, Luther Reigns, Mark Jindrak vs The Big Show
Fresh off that epic match against Santa Claus, I'm amazed Kurt Angle could pull off this match. Luther Reigns, as displayed at No Mercy, was secondary to the commentary, which featured the obligatory "OMG TAZZ you know LUTHER REIGNS used to be a MERCENARY?!" from Michael Coleslaw while everyone was all "DUH DUH T-T-T-T-T-TAAALLL!!!!" at The Big Show, who went "RAAARR" and beat up everyone. In other words, the two nobodies and the former somebody completely jobbed to The Big Show's mad giant gimmick as being an unstoppable force, despite his obvious lack of real wrestling skill like Angle. The least I can say is at least The Big Show can work with the wrestlers, and actually do things and take dives, rather than stumble about standing stiff as an old log like someone whose initials begin with "The Great Khali". (0/10)
Cruiserweight Championship
Funaki vs Spike Dudley (C)
GOOD GOD, THEY CARED ENOUGH ABOUT THIS MATCH TO MAKE IT SECOND TO THE MAIN EVENT! Seriously though, it stunk out loud. It wasn't the most awful match of the night, but Funaki is not an enjoyable cruiserweight to watch. He's also been really badly misused in the WWE---worse even than Bob Holly. The best part of the match was that Michael Cole actually brought up the fact that eight years in the company only saw Funaki holding the Hardcore Championship! (Which everyone who watched in 2000 and 2001 knew that you, me, our moms, and our high school gym teachers could have won if we signed a one-day contract with the WWF to show up and pin the random guy chosen as champion.) Spike Dudley ALMOST got the chance to shine, but this is Smackdown, and this is the WWE, and he's less than 200 pounds and under 5'8". (5/10)
Fatal Four Way No DQ
WWE Championship
John Bradshaw Layfield (C) vs The Undertaker vs Eddie Guerrero vs Booker T
I couldn't get to the match without fast-forwarding past the already three-times-played promo leading to the match, and JBL's hilarious backstage antics of looking all somber and sad in his lockerroom while his cabinet tried to cheer him up. It made me just want to say "CHEER UP CHIPPERMONKEY IT'S NOT SO BAD!" Besides, he's gone this long as champion, what're the chances of him walking out without the championship, especially when you're one of the worst wrestlers in the business only sustained by his longevity and his charismatic heel gimmick? That's a lot more than we can say for Cena, actually.
Get this, though, the match was not all that bad. There was nothing brutal or extreme about it, as it was as tame as an NWA headlock-and-grapple-fest match from the 1950s, but the charisma put forth by all four men was electric when put all together, like four old matches put together as one. As typical with WWE matches, this was mostly a one-on-one match, featuring wrestlers replacing one another through swerves in the match booking. It was hilarious seeing Booker T hidden behind the ring for a whole 5-7 minutes after a few fake punches and a toss out of the ring. (6/10)
There's always next year for the WWE, and I'll probably be watching Armageddon 2005 some day, because I must love the abuse I get from watching crap boil in a wrestling ring.
Summary of WWE: Armageddon 2004
Studio: Genius Products Inc Release Date: 01/11/2005Sports DVD Video
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