Troll/Troll 2
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Movie Reviews of Troll/Troll 2
Movie Review: Do you want some joshua?
Summary: 5 Stars
I bought this particular DVD for TROLL 2, and you should too...as soon as possible. It's so bad...yet so amazingly great. Every movie watched on Mystery Science Theatre 3000 pales in comparison to Troll 2. I assume that the MST3K crew decided to simply stay away from this one...it was just too much. Instead, they chose Hobgoblins. ANYWAYS, you must believe the hype. The acting goes from 2 extremes: no acting and over-acting. Diana, the mother, is great at not-acting. Every line she delivers is hilarious. Every look on her face is hilarious. Plus, she looks like a troll. Michael, the father, is incoherent at best, what with his partial southern accent that makes words like "breakfast" sound like a retarded mess. Michael is responsible for some great lines in the movie. Holly, the daughter, fits in with the rest of her stupid family...except she's got some AWESOME dance moves! She seems like she just stepped off of the stage of a high school play. And then there's Joshua, the son and the hero. Everything he says is whiny and he always seems like he's in pain. He looks like he hasn't fully developed from a fetus yet. Try watching him whine and yell in slow-motion...his face is amazing. Especially when he delivers his classic line "You're a genius, big sister!"
In additon, Troll 2 features the ghost of Joshua's Grandpa Seth...a very creepy old man indeed. Grandpa Seth has various magical powers, too. Let's just say that he can manipulate the fabric of time. And then there's Holly's boyfriend, and Holly's boyfriend's boyfriends. This group of 4 color-coded funboys really adds nothing to the movie's pseudo-plot at all. Just unintentional laughs.
Let's not forget about the trolls...oops, I mean GOBLINS, in Troll 2. There are no trolls in Troll 2! What was I thinking! This fact alone should make you instantly purchase this movie.
I would discuss what the movie is about, but it's not really about anything. There's a town called Nilbog (isn't there something odd about that name?). There's a lot of hillbilly townfolk. There's disgusting food products like milk and green pudding-type stuff. There's midgets in burlap sacks with pointy sticks. There's even a Stonehenge magical stone! But there's no apparent plot. Don't let that fool you...the various pieces of cinematic excrement are far more entertaining than anything else you're likely to see in your life!
As Diana would say, "Michael...who are the goblins?"
Movie Review: This is the one. The Holy Grail.
Summary: 5 Stars
Once upon a time, I fancied that I knew a little something about bad movies.
Well, in fact I was getting rather vain about it. I turned up my nose at people who think "Showgirls" or "Gigli" are great anti-movies, when in fact they are only about 15 percent worse than the usual Hollywood dreck. Almost as bad were those who took the well-trod path of "Plan 9" or "Hitler's Brain", which, while quite deliciously bad in spots, are, in the final analysis, little more than amateurish relics of a bygone era.
No, while those flicks are, in their own way, modestly amusing, they were not for me: my palate was more refined; my bad taste was just a bit better than that of the common herd. I was quite the anti-connoisseur (or so I thought). My preference was for the finely aged Italian imitation cheese of the seventies and eighties. Movies such as "The New Barbarians" and "Star Crash" topped my list, although I could also dip my beak with pleasure into such anti-musical masterpieces as "The Apple" or "Can't Stop the Music" on occasion, or enjoy the modern anti-comedy stylings of a Tom Green in "Freddy Got Fingered", or even the classic anti-blockbuster "Battlefield Earth".
I was a fool. Until I saw "Troll 2", I knew nothing at all about what a bad movie could truly be.
All my former preconceptions: gone. All of what I took to be my knowledge: vanished without a trace.
I know that my view of film has changed forever. And I still don't know how to deal with it. For now, I have walled off "Troll 2" in a special part of my mind. This movie simply does not seem possible; it just does not compute. I place it as an anamoly, as a "special case", so that I can continue to live in my own little world, continue to have my own little list of favorites, my own little pet theories about what makes a great anti-movie.
But some day, I will have to look this green-blooded, rubbery goblin mask square in its face, and deal with what "Troll 2" has done to me, has done to us all.
And so will you.
Troll 2 is the holy grail of bad movies. It will never be topped. At least once in your life, you must stand in the light that it casts upon human consciousness. And you, too, will never be the same again.
Movie Review: The HORROR that is troll2 (because one really wans't enough!
Summary: 5 Stars
Now.... How could one begin to describe Troll 2? I could never even try to begin to do this film justice in mere text with a cast blatantly on day release from a psychiatric institution and special effects courtesy of BLUE Peter.
I come from Stratford, and when a terrible tourist shop shut down because of the rubbish it sold- i felt it was necessary to pay it a visit. Amoungst the remaining tat which hadn't been sold from the shop which was appropriatly called 'Insanity', I had the life-changing moment, an epiphany when i read the back of 'TROLL 2'. One really wasn't enough.
If you want gore, tack, lust, and sex with vegetables, this beast of cinematic experience is for you. A MUST for all cinema fans. The horrors are so infinate in number that they cannot all be listed, but for your pleasure i will outline some reccurent themes:
Incest
Cannibalism
The evil of vegetarianism
Appauling acting
The worst special effects EVER (no really, blind lepers could have done better!) a good one is the green water that pours down their faces when they're being 'transformed' and the foliage which appears to be stuck on them with glue.
Teenage sex
Drug abuse (other than that of the director)
The WORST soundtrack in history (The opening scene consists of the trolls frolicking in the woods to bad eighties electro-pop)
'Trolls', (throughout the film, the word 'Troll' isn't used once, they are referred to as goblins) which look like dwarfs with faces like smacked arses wearing potato sacks stuffed with lumpy pillows. Their masks are gems too- in one riveting scene, you get a close up of its mouth showing it had a tongue and it was clearly a man wearing a plaster fo paris mask.
a 'popcorn' sex scene and so so so so so much more.
to witness, visit your local closing insane asylum cast offs.
PLEASE buy it. its for your own good, it gave me my first proper laugh in years.
Movie Review: You'd be stupid NOT to buy this!!!
Summary: 5 Stars
John Carl Buechler's Troll 2 may be one of the finest movies of the early 90's. Ah who are we kidding, it's one of the finest movies EVER!The film starts out with a family trading houses with another random family that they have never met but have agreed to trade houses with. This is, of course, a completely believable premise, as people in real life do this all the time. At least they do where I come from!
The antagonists of the movie are goblins, and why shouldn't they be? Everyone knows when you buy a movie named Troll 2 you don't actually expect to see any TROLLS or anything. Anyway, these goblins (and believe me, you wouldn't want to run into one of these nasty little buggers in a dark alley, the makeup/special effects team really went all out here) are turning the quiet redneck town of Nilbog (incase you didn't notice, that spells GOBLIN backwards - that is an almost infinitely clever name for a town overrun by goblins!!! John Carl Buechler, you are truly a GENIUS!!!) into a race of human/plant hybrids so they can eat them, because all goblins are of course vegetarians. It makes perfect sense!
The star of the movie, that kid from Neverending Story, must save his family along with some help from his beloved, dead Grandpa Seth and a bologna sandwich. It's a classic struggle of good vs. evil here folks!
If all this isn't enough to convince you to run out and buy at least 5 copies of this piece of cinematic history, there's also a cameo appearance of Sonny Bono. I can' t think of any reason why a rational, sane person wouldn't want to own this!
If you've never seen Troll 2, buy it today! Everyone should experience this film, as it is definitely one of the crowning achievements of Western Civilization.
Movie Review: MGM did an excellent job for this Double Feature DVD!
Summary: 5 Stars
MGM has done an admirable job for this new Double Feature DVD. It contains both Troll and Troll 2, both presented in Animorphic Widescreen with their original theatrical trailers. The picture and sound are as good as we're ever going to see these two films on DVD. I applaud MGM for giving good treatment to little known films such as these. They could have just as easily slapped on Full-Frame transfers and no Trailers. Plus, MGM offers both movies for a very affordable price. Even if you hate one of the Troll movies, this DVD is still very worthwhile to buy for the one you do like.TROLL was released in the mid-1980's when I was still a kid growing up. One of the earlier films from Charles Band and Empire Pictures, predating the later Full Moon pictures. I first saw TROLL on HBO, and for some reason thought it was a great fantasy/horror film. Sure it was low budget, but very memorable even to this day. It features an early acting performance from Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and also a very funny appearance by Sonny Bono.
TROLL 2 I had the pleasure of first viewing on video in the early 1990's when it was released. It really has nothing at all to do with the first TROLL movie as far as the plot goes and the production team. This is not a bad thing since TROLL 2 has an offbeat, cultish originality which is rarely seen in very many movies anymore. TROLL 2 was obviously a very low budget production and the acting is often horrible, but therein lies it's charm. It is one of those movies that is so bad it's good. Some people will love it and others will hate it. I personally think it's a classic cheesy movie!