Troll/Troll 2
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Movie Reviews of Troll/Troll 2
Movie Review: Troll 2: Mind-Melting Masterpiece
Summary: 5 Stars
Troll 2, like Halloween 3, is a sequel that has nothing in common with the original but the title. In this case, the title was apparently added to capitalize on the "success" of Troll V 1.0.
While the original Troll is a surreal, twisted, good/bad sui generis quasi-masterwork of quirk, this one, which, again, bears no relation to the first film, is one of the most monumental train wrecks ever filmed.
After a really baffling prologue involving a Peter Pan lookalike, a bowl of green goo and a girl whose freckles were dotted on with a Sharpie Marker, the story shifts to a family of four. They consist of an actor who resembles Sam Waterston; his wife, who seems a little crazy; his daughter, Holly, a garden-variety 80's-style bimbo; and his son Joshua, who has regular conversations with the ghost of his grandfather, the poor man's Wilford Brimley. Holly's apparently gay boyfriend and his ambiguously gay friends (whose first act in the movie is to admire Holly's curtains; later they sleep together, semi-naked) are also along for the ride.
The movie doesn't waste any time diving right in to the ridiculous; the family goes on some kind of nonsensical "vacation" which consists of them exchanging houses (?!) with a family of complete strangers from the remote town of "Nilbog" (that, oddly enough, ain't "Troll" spelled backwards). If that premise isn't unbelievable enough for you, don't you worry, there's plenty more insanity to come, as the family eventually learns that the town is populated by goblins (not Trolls, mind you), who first feed people neon-colored cakes and cookies that somehow turn them in to vegetable matter, and then eat them. That's if they're lucky. Others less fortunate get turned into a tree, while their b***s get turned into a milkshake. Probably the best scene in the movie, by the way.
A few choice moments:
The family arrives at their exchange house to find a table full of the aforementioned garishly-colored cakes and pastries, which they don't hesitate to sit down to eat, not thinking for a minute, "hey, this is f***** up". Thanks to the longest 30 seconds in recorded history, Josh is able to rescue his family by relieving himself on the sweets! For his troubles, his ungrateful father chides him with the best line in the movie: "You can't p*** on hospitality!"
One of Holly's BF's buds sees a frightened girl running in the woods. He does what any normal guy would do, he tackles her at a full run. He then takes her to a Satanic-looking church, where Creedence (yes, that's her name), played by a woman who seems to have just strayed in from a porn film or maybe the fringes of performance art, changes the girl into mush to be eaten, and the guy into a tree, also to be eaten. We know this, because the guy helpfully tells us: "They're eating her! And then they're going to eat me! OH MY
Joshua's Grandpa tells Joshua, during one of their meetings, "Your mother has never taken my advice. That's why she married that good-for-nothing." (You know, your g*dd*mn father.) Later on, he pops up to helpfully hand Josh a Molotov Cocktail! Apparently Gramps served a few years in the SDS!
Holly finally delivers the ultimatum to her boyfriend for him to decide between her or his friends. She expresses this by clocking him with a stunning right cross to the jaw! This is after the scene in which she knees him in the crotch. Interesting relationship they've got going there!
Not at all surprisingly, this one ends with one of those eye-rolling, predictable, "shock" endings that were de riguer in the 80's/90's, and one loaded with glaring continuity errors! Might as well go out with a bang!
Movie Review: TROLL 2 - !!!
Summary: 5 Stars
I want to thank the reviewers here who steered me to TROLL 2! I thought that the enthusiasm about its hilarious awfulness had to be exaggerated, but based on the general consensus that this is one you have to see to believe, I risked $[...] and took a chance.
Wow!
Oh, what I also would give to hear a commentary track by the director and cast! Their brains should be put in glass jars and displayed in a medical museum somewhere upon their deaths! This is one for the ages. If you haven't seen it, remember the way RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK starts off on a high of adventure with that cave escape and then keeps trying to top it? Well, TROLL 2 starts out atop the Mt. Everest of stupidity and then miraculously keeps upping the stakes. It's the zenith of moron creativity! When you're holding your sides for the tenth time from laughing and think to yourself the "actors" can't possibly deliver another so-called line of dialogue in a way that's any more disjointedly absurd yet painfully sincere to top the last one, THEY DO IT! Talk about alternative reality! The CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI looks like an episode of THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW next to this. Just a small sampling of my favorite high points:
Grandpa Seth's unintentional and uncanny ability to sound - whenever he tries to pass on an eerie warning to his grandson - like a pervert!
Teenage Holly's scary-hip dance moves (for wooden acting she makes Brooke Shields in THE BLUE LAGOON look like a piker)!
The classic early conversation between the father and mother in which they discuss why and how they are trading houses with a strange farm family they don't know (David Mamet, eat your heart out)!
The subtle subtext choice of the actress playing the mother to choose to read all her lines with a "damnit-I-forgot-to-take-my-anti-depressant-medication-again-today" delivery.
The wacky pack of Holly's boyfriend and his friends - all of whom seem to have the brains of emotionally immature six-year-olds transplanted into their sixteen-year-old bodies (be sure to look for the hilarious sharing-the-same-bed quick cut-away shot too)!
The family's ingeniously logical plan to starve themselves for days on end to punish young Joshua for peeing on their dinner in order to save their lives (don't ask)!
The line that's right up there with "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn" and "Louie, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship" . . . "You're a genius, big sister!"
As another reviewer said, a thousand reviews can't begin to scratch the surface as to how side-splittingly bad this movie is. I say the best joke we as a planet could ever play is, the next deep-space probe we send out a la Voyager to announce our existence, we only include a copy of TROLL 2 as an example of what human beings and life on earth are really like!
***If you love TROLL 2, you must get Best Worst Movie, the documentary by Michael Stephenson! If you thought WAITING FOR GUFFMAN was pure fiction, you're wrong. This is a warm-hearted and funny look at what went into this classic. If you wondered who these people were/are, it gives you the answers (Connie McFarland grew up to be hot; George Hardy seems like a really nice guy; Claudio Fragasso is still doggedly and wonderfully deluded; Michael Stephenson turned out to be a legit filmmaker, etc). Funny, uplifting, ridiculous, sad and touching. Five stars!***
Movie Review: Would you like some, Joshua?
Summary: 5 Stars
Something indefinable has moved me to write this review. I don't understand and can't explain what this movie has done and is still doing to me. Words cannot convey this sense of foreboding I feel in the pit of my stomach. I guess I should give you some background as to what I'm rambling about. I purchased Troll/Troll 2 for the sole purpose of owning Troll 1. I had no idea what Troll 2 was or what it would eventually do to me. You see, I had seen Troll 1 when I was around 5-7 years old and had relatively fond memories of it, so when I saw the DVD for sale I snatched it up. The strangest sensation overtook me then. A cross between nervousness and uneasy trepidation, which for those that don't know, feels like knots and razors in your stomach while your skin breaks into a cold sweat. The feeling soon passed and I quickly forgot about it. Later that day I watched Troll 1 expecting to relive a bit of my childhood. Well, the saying "you can never go home" held true for me. I found Troll 1 to be an unforgettably, forgettable movie if that makes any sense, completely disposable and not worth mentioning beyond this point. I watched Troll 2 the next day. My expectations were low, but I figured I might as well give the second movie a chance. My life would be infinitely better had I washed my hands of the whole affair and turned my attention towards other pursuits, or maybe not. Who's to say? Where would the world be if there had been no Bubonic Plague or if the members of the Beatles had never formed a band? My soul cries out for a "what could have been" but without the Bubonic plague mightn't the world be burdened by overpopulation and pollution? Would we have been able produce someone whose intellect would dwarf Einstein's? If the Beatles had never formed would some other band have been able to garner the recognition they deserved in the void left by the Beatles or would they create what in hindsight would be considered puerile drivel? These are pointless questions that can never be answered. Time to get down to brass tacks. I cannot stop watching Troll 2. I have alienated friends and family members. I have become an outcast in my neighborhood and have been shunned by co-workers. What is worse, as each day passes I find it harder to disassociate myself from this film. My waking thoughts are centered around it. My being has become enmeshed with its life force, and make no mistake it is alive. It grows stronger with each viewing. There is no turning back. I have gotten to the point where I feel little remorse showing this film to others, addicting them, changing them, tailoring them, so that they may spread the Gospel that is Troll 2. I'm slowly coming to the realization that this is not just weird gibberish that I'm spouting off, it's not cathartic, and it does not ease my burden or put the last shreds of my guilty conscience to rest. Yes...yes. I have become drunk off the wine of revelation and I understand now, I finally see. I do not fear the outcome. I feel the re-assuring hand on my shoulder. Please watch Troll 2, you will be surprised at what gifts it has to offer you.Movie Review: Rib-ticklingly awful, TROLL 2 is quite possibly the best-worst movie ever made!
Summary: 5 Stars
"Be afraid...be twice as afraid!" So goes the tagline for Troll 2, the follow up, unsurprisingly, to Troll. A more fitting tagline might have been, "What the hell was that? Seriously, what was that?
Young Joshua and his extremely stupid family decide to take a vacation, but instead of venturing off to some candy-coated theme park, they've decided to switch houses with a redneck family in a small town called Nilbog. There they plan to live life like "peasants and farmers." But it doesn't take long before things get real ugly.
Guided by the ghostly visage of his Grandpa Seth, Joshua begins to suspect that the people of Nilbog aren't exactly what they seem. (Of course, he's right - after all, it doesn't take a genius to realize that 'Nilbog' is 'Goblin' spelled backwards). Using icky green food to poison their victims, these vengeful `vegetarians' (don't ask!) devour any poor soul who happens into their sleepy little village. But when they turn their murderous intentions on Joshua's unsuspecting family, they get more than they bargained for. Armed with Molotov cocktails, baloney sandwiches, and a full bladder (please don't ask!), this whiny little prat locks horns with an ultra-low budget army of goblins and their witchy queen. But can Josh and his ghostly Grandpa save the family before it's too late?
The first Troll, a piece of 80's cheese starring the likes of Sonny Bono, June Lockhart, Julia Louis Dreyfus and camp film icon Michael Moriarty, was by no means a cinematic watershed, but its sequel(?!) has absolutely nothing in common with it. (There aren't even any trolls!) What Troll 2 does have (in spades) is comedy -- outlandish, outrageous, un-intentional comedy.
It could quite possibly be the best-worst movie ever made!
The highlight of the film is a mind-blowing twist about an hour in that is probably the most shocking revelation in cinematic history. (Not really, but one that will assuredly boggle your brain and loosen your bowels.) When the secret of Nilbog is revealed, you'll slap yourself repeatedly in disbelief while groaning painfully.
Director Drago Floyd has crafted as sorry a motion picture as anything out of Ed Wood's beloved oeuvre, and, God help us, we adore him for it. Any self-respecting Bad Movie fan, who doesn't already have this in their collection, should snag up a copy immediately. We're positive that there are plenty of uncool people out there who would be willing to part with theirs for just a roll of pennies. And not taking someone up on their hospitality is shameful, just shameful. Remember -- you can't `piss on hospitality.' We simply won't allow it!
Movie Review: Possibly the best movie of all the time, for all the wrong reasons
Summary: 5 Stars
I've seen this movie dozens of times now - and I think it just keeps getting funnier.
Can we start off with the most ridiculous, basic flaw? The movie is called TROLL 2. It has absolutely nothing to do with the first movie, Troll, and its about Goblins!! Were they just trying to ride the coattails of the first movie? According to IMDB, Troll made a mere $5.4M, so that seems like a dubious choice. And you have to love, 2/3 through the movie, when the main character finally makes the realization everyone else did after 2 minutes..."Nilbog is Goblin backwards! This is their kingdom!!!" In fact, all of their sudden realizations are great, like the character Arnold - "Wait...they're eating her! And they're going to eat me! OH my GOOOOOD!!"
I didn't think it was possible for a movie to be so hilariously bad, but this one is. The acting is beyond horrific. I have a hard time decided who the worst actor is, but I lean towards the mother. And if the acting wasn't bad enough, the script writing is worse! Like when Grandpa Seth accidentally appears in the wrong mirror in the house, Joshua scolds him for his mistake, to which he replies "I'm sorry, I haven't learned the layout of this house." How does that sequence get added? And what's with the popcorn scene in the trailer? THAT is how you know something is truly horrible - the actor is laughing as he tries to sputter "too...much....popcorn!" It reminds me of Jimmy Fallon all over again, except with a movie where you can always do another take.
The lack of any sort of special effects only adds to the experience - such as in the scene where Grandpa Seth freezes everyone but Joshua - but you can still see them moving and their drinks sloshing. Or when a trol...er...goblin throws a spear at a guy, it has to cut away to a scene of the spear flying high in the air (they were only 10 yards apart), only to cut back to him getting hit, in an entirely different setting from where he was before. And the Goblin outfits themselves....epic!
Also, I'm fairly certain the director added a subtext of the daughter's boyfriend struggling with homosexuality. There is an inexplicable bond between him and his buddies, Holly makes reference to it not being hard to turn him homo, there's the quick cutaway in the trailer of the guys laying together in a bed, among others. I tell ya - this director is genius!
I would give anything to spend 10 minutes talking to the masterminds behind this movie. It boggles my mind that a rational mind could actually create this masterpiece - but it was done. Do yourself a favor. Buy this movie, and watch it several times. You will not regret it.