Spiders
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Movie Reviews of Spiders
Movie Review: Evil Government Overlords Versus Self-Important College Newspaper Reporters
Summary: 2 Stars
"Spiders" is one of the stupidest giant creature movies I have ever seen. The film starts with the launch of the space shuttle "Solaris", which is carrying a top secret government payload called "Project Mother-In-Law", due, no doubt, to it's horrifying powers. A college reporter is told to cover the story, but she's more interested in covering a ludicrous story about government conspiracy and aliens, and takes two of her buddies into the desert to look for evidence of nefarious activity. She was tipped off by two aliens whose crimes against humanity solely consisted of stealing and drinking non-dairy creamer. (Really.)
Meanwhile, on the "Solaris" (despite the fact that the name "Discovery" is clearly visible during the stock footage shots), a scientist injects alien DNA into a tarantula at exactly the same moment the shuttle is caught in a huge cosmic storm. The shuttle crash lands in the secret facility being investigated by the three teenagers in what has to be the worst model effect I have seen in years. Interestingly, the post-crash shuttle destruction is CGI, but that effect is terrible too.
Most of the rest of the film is spent with government evildoers, cub reporters, and giant CGI spiders chasing each other around a basement of horrors including a frozen "Apollo 18" astronaut, which inspires one of the teens to remark "It's like a bad sci-fi movie", and he is exactly right.
There are some fairly amusing action sequences, my favorite of which involved falling down an elevator shaft only to be caught in a giant web at the bottom. It turns out that the project is about world domination, which plays right into the conspiracy looniness prevalent in this movie.
Eventually a good government agent and the reporter team up and, after finding a spare helicopter with rocket launcher just sitting there ready to do battle with Mother-In-Law, take off for the nearby city where the giant spider is atop a building. (Haven't I seen a giant monster on a skyscraper somewhere before?) The girl lowers herself from the helicopter on a rope and fires a rocket into the spider's mouth concluding the movie, although I am aghast to report that there is apparently a sequel ("Spiders II: Breeding Ground") ready to further the franchise.
This film has some terrible acting, is plagued by insanely stupid coincidences and plot twists, and some of the worst dialogue you will ever hear in your life. None of this should surprise B-movie fans, though, as this was produced by Boaz Davidson, the same man who brought us "Crocodile".
I think the film is worth two stars for camp value: the sheer audaciousness of the plot makes it worth watching for fans of B-movies.
Movie Review: Giant "Spiders" Must Now Be Politically Correct
Summary: 2 Stars
In the Big Bug movies of the 50s, the Big Bug was almost always the result of a mad scientist who was carrying on secret research. TARANTULA (1955) with John Agar is a prime example. The focus was on the mad scientist, the handsome hero, and the Big Bug. With modern day versions, an X-File ingredient has been added: the intervention of a government conspiracy that usually involves alien DNA. In SPIDERS, director Gary Jones updates the traditional havoc laden plot to suggest that the real monsters are neither the mad scientist nor the monster itself. In its place lies a shadowy government supersecret organization that seems staffed with rather unintelligent if not fanatic Men in Black types. Lana Parilla is a college newspaper reporter who with two other nerdy computer geek companions breaks into a restricted government installation that houses a recently returned space exploration vessel that was used to expose spiders to hard radiation. Naturally, there is an accident that allows the spiders to attack the astronauts who manage to crash land their vessel. The plot is special effects driven as itsy-bitsy spiders somehow morph with deadly speed into huge bouncing arachnids. Ms. Parilla has the obligatory romance with yet another government agent who is the good guy in this one. It was probably too tempting for director Jones to resist having the evil leader of this shadowy government CIA type rogue act as the prototypical Mad Scientist. SPIDERS is the sort of movie in which the viewer is not supposed to notice its many logical gaffes and inconsistencies, such as how Ms. Parilla needs glasses at the start but manages to see quite well enough after they get smashed. The viewer is rather asked to sit back and hearken to an earlier more innocent generation in which the greatest threat came from the Big Bug, not from the government that tries to cover up the monster's existence. Unfortunately, John Agar was the last Handsome Hero who could stake claim to this.
Movie Review: Horribly bad, but oh so funny!
Summary: 2 Stars
My brother and I, when we get together, have a sort of twisted hobby: we rent the worst-looking movies we can find, just for the laughs they provide. Spiders did not disappoint! The funniest element of the movie is the dialogue of one of the sidekick characters, Jake -- almost every line contains a swear word, usually the F-word. When he's just about to bite the dust, he errupts in a burst of profanity: "F you guys, f this place, and f that f-ing spider!" At one point we started to keep track of the swearing, and ended up with a count of about one profanity per minute. We almost bust a gut laughing! Hilarious also is the set used to serve as the secret FBI outpost. It's quite obvious that the building is a high school. And how about this for lack of continuity: the heroine has her glasses knocked off in a scuffle, and the camera focuses in on them, broken, on the floor. But never is the issue raised of how she can see without them; she doesn't even mention them, and appears to have perfect vision without them. Maybe the director thought she needed to be spectacles-free for the obligatory wet tee shirt scene? To sum up, if you don't share our sense of humour, don't rent or buy this movie; you'll just be annoyed. I will admit, however, that compared to many other "critter" movies we've rented, the special effects are pretty good. Although the giant spiders have an odd, mechanical/marching gait that I found off-putting. Perhaps it's difficult to simulate the crawling movement of real spiders with digital animation.Movie Review: Don't get caught in this web . . .
Summary: 1 Stars
In the mood for a big killer bug movie? Yearn for those days when giant spiders/ants/mosquitoes (take your pick) invaded small american towns? Feel the need to sit through some more mindless dreck without any integrity or thought for its audience? Well, come on in and welcome to SPIDERS - another in the long line of awful creature-amok films that seem to litter video stores everywhere. This awful piece of celluloid is directed without any flair whatsoever by Gary Jones (yes, THAT Gary Jones of "Mosquito" fame and Crocodile 2 - what is it with this guy, didn't he see the original Crocodile?)The story is bog-standard killer bug fare. Alien spider lands on earth, mutates, escapes and attacks small US town. Only brave reporters can track the oversized arachnid down and put a stop to it's unearthly bloodlust. Throw in corrupt government officials, hunky guy for the heroine to fall in love with and some truly awful dialogue, and viola! You have instant straight-to-video rubbish. The effects by KNB are great, and only they hold any passing interest for the viewer (however, the spider does look rather silly when he is small, and only becomes impressive when it begins to grow). Anyway, even the greatest effects in the world aren't going to save this turkey, so please for the love of god, don't be like me. Don't get tempted by the thought of a giant spider chowing down on innocent teen folk. Read this review and run, run like you've never run before from awful movies like this!
Now, fast forward months later: Can you believe this? I just went down to my local video store and what did I see? SPIDERS 2, that's what. Why have they made this? Who greenlit this? And, why do I wanna see it? Have I not read my own review? On no, please not again . . .
Movie Review: HORRIBLE
Summary: 1 Stars
I have seen a lot of bad movies in my day, but I honestly have to say that SPIDERS is THE WORSE film I have EVER seen in my life. I am a film critic, so I give movies a break when they have low budgets, but it seemed to me that when they got the idea to make this movie, they just started, and began making the plot (and the special effects) as they went along. The acting is bad, the effects are terrible, the directing is silly, and the plot is sub standard (even for this genre). There was actually a scene where it looked like the Spider was made of paper and they just walked it by the camera on a stick. It took every thing in me not to turn it off and throw it in the trash. If you have an enemy and you want to torture them, send this movie as a gift. Humm, what is my boss' address, anyway?