Reptilicus
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Movie Reviews of Reptilicus
Movie Review: "Yumpin' Yiminy! It's Reptilicoos!"
Summary: 2 Stars
REPTILICUS is a classic of '50s horror schlock, being Denmark's unfortunately memorable contribution to the "Radiation is Coming to Get Us" giant monster movie genre. Lest we forget.
Produced in 1962 (as with 1961's GORGO, the fad for rubber man-eating reptiles crossed the Pond a bit late), REPTILICUS represents the literal and figurative tail end of this category of movie.
In terms of storyline, script, casting, acting, special effects, and production values, REPTILICUS is an embarrassment primarily because it's so obviously supposed to be a serious entry into the monster movie canon. The Danes no doubt wanted to make their own version of THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS. Sadly, what they got was REPTILICUS, courtesy of American International Pictures.
There's nothing worse than an unintentionally campy movie. To be honest there are few movies worse than REPTILICUS. Still, I recommend it if you just love this sort of thing. REPTILICUS has always been a "C" movie cult favorite, and was the usual television fare at the Clampetts' and the Monkees'.
REPTILICUS suffers right from the outset from its improbable premise. Copenhagen, after all, doesn't strike anybody as the type of place a monster would want to attack. Maybe if this movie had been set on the south side of Chicago it would have had a fighting chance.
A group of prospecting Danish oilmen recover the frozen tail of a mysterious creature from beneath the ice. Taken back to Copenhagen (nobody is sure why) the tail is allowed to defrost and begins regenerating into the monster. Reptilicus manages to escape, and goes on a happy rampage through Denmark's quaint capital city.
The gravest danger to Copenhagen is that the Danes may all laugh themselves to death at the sight of this silly-looking creature, a swaying rubber snake's head with little angel wings on a broomstick, usually seen in the distance. (Reptilicus' grandson appeared in Andy Sidaris' HARD TICKET TO HAWAII without the wings.) Unforgivably poor animation of the beast spitting green acidic slime is mated with atrocious sound quality and none-too special effects. The monster's roar is reminiscent of banging tin cans. Reptilicus proves he's one bad dude by eating a farmer, or at least a badly-drawn transparent cartoon of a farmer, somewhere along the way. Reptilicus' mouth never moves during the process.
Copenhagen's population is comprised of a horde of blonde girls just waiting for macho American men to rescue them from the monster and the local males who are all, well...so, so blond in this movie.
The casting is the high point of REPTILICUS. Nobody anybody knows is in this movie. Let us give thanks it stayed that way. Voluptuous Danish actresses make this film well worth watching if your taste runs to the Nordic. Thank heaven for their nifty accents and bustlines.
Thank heaven as well for the corny, mostly dubbed, thickly accented dialogue that is just so much fun to pick apart. None of the all-Danish cast could speak English. Since REPTILICUS was slated for an American audience, the actors learned their lines phonetically. As a result, the cadence, pronounciation, and emphasis of the dialogue was utterly incomprehensible. AIP, belatedly realizing they'd made a mistake, hired English speakers to voice-over the cast. The result is the worst dubbing in film history, hands down. The dubbed voices just could not be synchronized with the overwrought facial contortions of people trying to speak unnaturally, and so the cast looks as if they all suffer from uncontrollable tics. (The Director sued AIP for this, claiming they'd ruined his movie.)
The acting is downright terrible. I haven't seen so many stiffs outside of a morgue. The American general (played by a dubbed Dane) suffers from a behavioral impulse disorder and is manic depressive. He practically strangles a Danish scientist who disagrees with his "Blow It To Hell" strategy for dealing with Reptilicus. None of the men on camera seem to be able to figure out what to do, either with Reptilicus or with the script.
Director Sid Pink interrupts the action at this point to edit a full-length official government "Come To Denmark" travelogue filmstrip into the picture, just in case you've suddenly decided that you can't wait to visit the Tivoli Gardens, big-breasted blondes, or Reptilicus' house after seeing this movie.
Suffering cramps from too much belly laughter the Danes decide they can't cope with this unnatural disaster (the monster, not the picture...well, yeah...) on their own and call in the UN for military backup. We are then treated to a few minutes of stock footage of a tank battle.
The military does get the drop on Reptilicus eventually. Shortly after blowing off one of Reptilicus' stumpy little arms, the still-unstrangled Danish scientist realizes that any Reptilicus fragments will regenerate into other Reptilicuses (or is it Reptilici?).
So the order is passed: No More Shooting At Reptilicus, Boys. Of course, blond moment, nobody bothers to go searching for the missing limb, which starts to regenerate into Reptilicus II.
Eventually, Reptilicus commits suicide after attending the premiere of this film. The stump of Reptilicus II joins a cult, turns his back on the Hollywood life, and eventually reemerges to publish a healthy lifestyles book, THE HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN DIET (not available anywhere; unfortunately, the same can't be said for this ridiculous flick).
THE LITTLE MERMAID it ain't!
Movie Review: Makes Plan 9 From Outser Space seem like Star Wars
Summary: 1 Stars
I confused Reptilicus with The Beast from 2000 Fathoms, the Ray Harryhausen movie I wish I had actually rented. I wanted to rent The Beast because of its stop-motion special effects. Reptilicus literally had the worst special effects of any movie I have ever seen. The monster made a guy in a Godzilla suit look like something out of Lord of the Rings. It was an inanimate rubber monster on, perhaps, one string. No part of it moved, except that it would occasionally bob up and down or move on or off screen as if pulled or pushed. In more than one scene it simply sat there. As if this were not bad enough, there is the crudest-ever animated green slime that took me a while to understand was supposed to be coming out of its unmoving mouth. Worst of all is a scene in which the monster eats a person. We see the person screaming, then a cut to an incredibly bad cartoon person superimposed in the general area of the monster's mouth, again unmoving. Fortunately, the movie put me to sleep. I needed the rest. It's a mystery to me why this was in the video store and no Harryhausen movie as far as I could tell was there (nor, for that matter was the original King Kong).Movie Review: Easily the worst giant monster movie of all time
Summary: 1 Stars
People think Godzilla movies have bad special effects? Well, after seeing this piece of cinematic waste, maybe people will respect the workmanship put into the G films. This movie is absolutely terrible. The special effects, like I said, are extremely egregiously bad. All of the live action scenes are nauseatingly ridiculous. It just has no redeeming values whatsoever. It's not a "good bad movie" just bad in the most extreme way. Why can't MGM release some other monster movie on DVD? Why not release The Mysterians instead? Oy.Movie Review: A Sublime Stinker
Summary: 1 Stars
This classic piece of junk has withstood the test of time to reign as #1 in the "so bad it's great" category. The premise is totally ridiculous, the locations are mind-numbingly dull and colorless, the acting is stinkeroo all the way, and the monster is a hernia-inducing sock puppet that terrorizes....Copenhagen.A must see for all true afficionados of cinematic garbage. I rate the MOVIE a 1, but the whole experience rates a 10.
Movie Review: Beware!!
Summary: 1 Stars
We knew there was something wrong when we checked out the DVD and the BlockBuster employee said, "Good luck with that one!" with a smirk on her face. If you want to know why MST3K hasn't seen this one yet, just watch the attack on the farm scene. Words fail me. Let's just put it this way: It's better to watch the film in French, especially if you don't understand French.