Red Sonja
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Movie Reviews of Red Sonja
Movie Review: "You must learn to like men a little better."
Summary: 3 Stars
Based (very loosely) on a character created by legendary sword and sorcery fantasy writer Robert E. Howard, comes Red Sonja (1985), imbued with powers of mystical origin and seeking justice and revenge for the wrongs perpetrated upon her and her family by an evil warlord queen. The film, directed by Richard Fleischer, who also did Conan the Destroyer (1984), stars Brigitte (I was married to Sylvester Stallone once) Nielsen as the title character. Also appearing is Arnold Swarzenegger as Kalidor, a Noble warrior who aids Sonja on her quest, and the lovely Sandahl Bergman (she appeared in Conan the Barbarian as the warrior Valaria) as the evil Queen Gerden. Other notable appearances include Ronald Lacey (you may remember him as Toht from the film Raiders of the Lost Ark) as evil henchman Ikol, and Paul L. Smith (Bluto from the Robin Williams Popeye movie) as Falkon.
The film begins by relating the sad tale of Sonja and how Queen Gerden and her forces wiped out her family, supposedly I guess due to the fact the Queen wanted Sonja in some capacity (girls gone wild indeed) but Sonja refused. Left for dead, Sonja is visited by a spirit of sorts, which gives her literally gives he strength to embark on a quest of justice and revenge against the evil queen. Also, it seems the queen has stolen a powerful, carefully guarded, glowing orb right before it was meant to be destroyed, one that has powers of its' own, allowing for the possessor to control elemental forces and call down storms and earthquakes, if they so wish. Kalidor, one of the individuals in place to oversee the destruction of the orb, joins forces with Red Sonja, as their paths may differ, but they ultimately lead to the same place. An impudent, young prince named Tarn and his guard/manservant Falkon, whose kingdom was unceremoniously wiped out by Gerden as a test for her newfound powers, soon joins them. Will this small band of adventurers be able to stop Gerden and destroy the orb before the combination of the two destroys the world?
Alright, there's no denying this film has many problems...the movie basically came into existence to leech off the successes of the most excellent Conan the Barbarian (1982), and the lesser excellent sequel Conan the Destroyer (1984). Why they just didn't make another Conan film is beyond me, but I guess it was for the best, as, like Conan the Destroyer, this film garnered a PG rating, seriously hindering the level of violence inherent within the original Robert E. Howard stories. There is much violence and killing in this film, but it's extremely watered down, unlike Conan the Barbarian (which had an R rating, and was more faithful to the source material in more aspects than one). It's funny, but if you watch the trailer for this film, you'd think Arnold Swarzenegger was the star, as he was much more prominently displayed over Nielsen, but this is not a Conan movie. I did like some elements about the film. I thought the sets were very well done, and quite expansive. There was a few times when they seemed a bit too much, like in Queen Gerden's throne room...it was certainly suitable for an evil queen, but was it really necessary to have skeletons hanging around? I mean we know she's evil, but that seemed like overkill. The costumes were marginally well done, with the fighting scenes a bit better, specifically the swordplay (I don't think Swarzenegger understood the what it mean to go half-speed, as he seemed to really lay it on at times, swinging his large weapon, sword, that is...). The weakest part of this production has to be the script. The dialogue is so incredibly lame, and often resorts to having characters either speak the obvious, or put forth moronic questions and/or statements that made me groan. Also, the little comedic bits of dialogue didn't help either, as they were so poorly done and seemed quite unnatural and completely out of character. Someone else mentioned Nielsen's idiotic mullet, and I would agree, but I thought she did all right with the fighting sequences and the more athletic maneuvers, but the scenes where a stunt person took her place was quite obvious at times. I normally don't care much for children actors in films like this, as they invariably kill the mood, but the kid playing Prince Tarn wasn't too bad. Maybe if he had better lines, who knows? Bergman as Queen Gerden was good, but completely two dimensional and was passed off as a power hungry warmonger with sapphic tendencies. The plot was pretty straight-forward, and moved along well, but I was annoyed with the whole premise of some of the central characters learning lessons, like the young, snotty prince learning the value of humility and self-sacrifice, and that of Red Sonja, who suffered at the hands of Gerden's men at the beginning of the film, that not all men are bad and there is more to life than fighting, like love...I didn't mind that these elements were incorporated into the story, but I felt like I was being slapped in the face with it...Howard would do this in his books, but with a subtle professionalism nowhere to be seen here. Overall, the story's not so hot, the acting so-so, the costumes, scenery, special effects and fighting all pretty good, with the best element being the original musical score by Ennio Morricone...had the makers of this film had a better script and more material befitting an R rating (as in Conan the Barbarian), we might have really had something here.
The wide screen print here looks pretty good, and shows almost no signs of age or deterioration. The only special feature is an original theatrical trailer, but I really wasn't expecting much more. If you like the 2nd Conan film, you may enjoy this, but otherwise you might be better off renting instead of buying. You'll thank Crom...
Cookieman108
Movie Review: Campy Sword and Sorcery
Summary: 3 Stars
Though Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Kalidor in this movie rather than Conan, I always think of this movie as the third Conan movie. Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman, who played Valeria in "Conan the Barbarian") takes an orb from a sort of temple of all women who plan to lock it away forever, coincidentally at the same time that Queen Gedren has come to steal it. The orb has the power to destroy, and if left in the light too long it has the power to destroy the Earth. We are introduced Red Sonja (Brigitte Nielsen) whose sister was one of the women in the temple and who has taken on the task of retrieving the orb before it can be used to destroy the Earth. Naturally this quest is also Kalidor's, so though the two take separate paths, they all eventually end up in the same place.
Along the way to Gedren's kingdom we encounter Prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes, Jr., "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II" and "Surf Ninjas) and his bodyguard and servant Falkon (Paul L. Smith). Unfortunately, these two characters are the comic relief and while there are a few moments where they are at least humorous, it only takes a while for them to become tedious.
The foursome travel to Queen Gedren's kingdom, all the while she continues to make the glowing orb more and more powerful. She is also aware that Red Sonja and her party are on the way, and tries to prevent them from reaching her kingdom. One of her attempts involves a giant wind-up toy that makes funny noises and swims in circles, often towing one or more characters from the movie. Naturally Prince Tarn was part of the reason they encountered the beastie, and no matter how many times I tell him to go back, get out of the water, it just never seems to happen.
Ultimately the crew reaches Queen Gedren, there is the obligatory big fight, and things mostly resolve themselves as you would probably expect.
There are several remarkable and not-so-remarkable scenes in this movie. In one of the better scenes the party travels across the backbone of some sort of ancient monster. When Arnold encounters Red Sonja she is completing some sort of test to prove that she is ready to graduate from the "Funky Japanese Guy with Stuff Coming out of His Shoulders School of Mystical Sword Work." The arena in which she is fighting is cool, but for some reason they put a guy squatting over the entrance that looks to me like someone attempting to perform a bodily function, and I laugh every time I watch it. The temple of warrior women at the beginning of the movie where the orb is located is also well done, both the interiors and exteriors. I also thought Queen Gedren had a reasonably well-done castle.
This movie has good points and awful points. The fighting is generally well-done throughout, but there are the usual stupid points. For example, the warrior women are surrounding the glowing orb, which they plan to lock in the dark forever. It would seem to the average warrior that a lookout would be advisable. Second, once the locking procedure started, followed by the attack, all one of the priestess-warriors had to do was kick the key into the same deep pit the orb was going to go into, and the orb would have been closed up while the fighting was going on. Of course, that would have ended the movie and what fun would that have been.
Another problem is that Queen Gedren had this orb with all kinds of power, along with a castle filled with soldiers, and yet she allowed Red Sonja to live, with more than a hint of Gedren's sexual orientation. Given her megalomaniacal tendencies, you would have thought that Gedren would have summarily disposed of the group. It just seems like you can't predict the behavior of psychopaths in movies (ever notice that?).
Arnold movies usually introduce humor to keep the movie from being too serious, but this time some the humor was ill-timed and often ill planned. Ernie Reyes, Jr. plays a comedic character, and detracts too much from the plot line. Similarly, Paul Smith as Falkon was often for comedic effect, and it was too much like watching Laurel and Hardy do Conan rather than a typical Arnold movie.
This movie ends up being a movie of contrasts. The movie begins with an excellent premise. Portions of the movie are fun to watch. However, the campy portions drag down the good portions, and all of the potential of the movie is squandered in silliness. Arnold Schwarzenegger was an excellent Conan, and this movie could easily have been a third Conan movie, particularly given that the two Conan movies were much better done than this movie. I will recommend that you watch this movie, but do so as a rental rather than a purchase; you'll be happy you did.
Movie Review: What were thinking and not thinking
Summary: 3 Stars
I've always been a fan of Robert Howard. I've enjoyed the Conan books that I've read and I love the first Conan movie. I can't figure out though is why Hollywood has butchered all his other characters in lame movies like Conan the Destroyer, Kull the Conqueror and Red Sonja.
Red Sonja(Nielson) is a warrior. Her family was murdered in front of her by the evil Queen Gedren(Bergman). She escaped from the fiery death that Gedren put her to, and now is training for her revenge against her.
Kalidor(Schwarzenegger) is a warrior in search of Sonja. While he was on his way to the great temple to watch the Great Talisman be destroyed he came upon Sonja's dying sister. He gets Sonja and takes her to her dying sibling. While the two sisters talk Sonja and Kalidor learn that Gedren has stolen the great talisman of power that could destroy the world. They have 13 days to destroy it, before it destroys them. The kicker to it all is that it can only be touched by woman.
Along the way they'll pick up a brat prince(Reyes) and his bumbling aid(Smith). The party must hurry to find the talisman and stop Gedren before it is all to late.
Brigette Nielson fills the role out physically, but that's about it. This woman acting is like watching paint dry. She's dull and boring. If it weren't for the fact she filled her costume out nicely, you'd probaly find yourself not wanting to watch it at all. The same thing can be said about Sandahl Bergman. She's a real stiff and is terrible too. It's not saying much when Arnold gives maybe the best acting performance of the film.
I did give the movie three stars though, and that would be for the pretty good sword play. Arnold and Brigette do plenty of it and are both pretty good at it. This movie followed the Conan movies so we knew Arnold could play the part. Brigette holds her own. The swordplay is more of that in the second Conan film. It's not all that bloody. This is one of the few films that I've ever seen where I wish they would've bloodied it up more and possibly given it an R rating.
Ennio Morricone has written a beautiful score for the movie. In ways it's a shame because the movie is so bad. It has a quick catchy melody. This guy really is underrated as far as Hollywood composers. If your a fan of him, you might want to check the movie out.
When it comes down to it, this really is a pretty bad movie. The acting is horrible, and the swordplay isn't good enough to make up for it. The movie is relatively short, and quite frankly the movie isn't enough. They should have made it a little longer, gotten rid of the brat kid, and made it more violent to match the world they live in. Richard Fleischer is the easy target for this bad movie. I don't want to knock a guy for trying to make a family film, but don't do it and the expense of Robert Howards character.
This one is definetly a rental. If you loved the second Conan film, you might want to buy it. If your a hardcore fan of the actors in the film, you might want to check it out as well. I would definetly rent or borrow this one, before you buy it.
Movie Review: Brigitte Nielsen and Arnold Schwarzenegger with big swords
Summary: 3 Stars
Director Richard Fleischer derailed the Conan movie franchise by making the 1984 "Conan the Destroyer" much more of a campy adventure than John Milius did with the original 1982 "Conan the Barbarian." However, for this 1985 Conan spin-off of a Robert E. Howard inspired creation, the warrior-woman Red Sonja. In the title role is the statuesque model Brigitte Nielsen, making her film debut, with Arnold Schwarzenegger playing Kalidor, the Conan-clone who plays a pivotal supporting role in that he usually only shows up to save the film's heroine. However, given the idea that Red Sonja has been given her warrior strength to avenge the murder of her family and her own violent rape, the idea that a man has to keep bailing her own clearly runs against the character's ideology (and you just cannot ignore that sort of thing when the title character has been empowered by the gods as long as she keeps true to her vows and avoids sex).
Arnold is a more engaging character this time around, which is rather easy since nobody is as sullen as Conan, and this is the first time where you really get a sense of fun in one of his movies (his serious resume at that point was the two Conan films and the first "Terminator"). The problem is that by the time he first shows up the best part of the movie is over, and for every decent moment provided by Arnold there are three or four scenes with Ernie Reyes, Jr. as the annoying Prince Tarn, reducing the movie to something like "Home Alone" with swords. The plot for "Red Sonja" involves a quest for a giant green orb and an evil queen (Sandhal Bergman), which makes it a lot like "Conan the Destroyer." Indeed, the worst thing I can say about this sword and sorcery effort is that it made me like the Conan sequel a whole lot better, which is not whatt I was hoping for at all.
One of the reasons we are surprised by how bad of a film we are watching is that the crew includes cinematographer Giuseppe Rotunno and art director Danilo Donati, who usually worked with Federico Fellini, and the music is by Ennio Morricone, who did all of the epic scores for Sergio Leone's spaghetti westerns. I know that neither one of those two celebrated directors would have touched this project, but one of their assistant directors could have turned in a more competent performance that Fleischer. "Conan the Barbarian" remains the best Sword & Sorcery film to date, and with his two entries Fleischer gets the lion share of credit for sending the whole genre right done the tubes. Milius is planning a King Conan movie for 2005, so there is hope, but those faintly flickering flames have gotten really small in the last twenty years.
Movie Review: Where art thou Red Sonja?
Summary: 3 Stars
Sadly, Red Sonja is the poster child for everything that is wrong with Hollywood attempts to create films based off of fantasy themes. Even with 80's action-star Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brigitte Nielsen, and Sandahl Bergman to front this movie, Red Sonja is a haphazard and mostly uninspired affair.
To me, the best thing about this film is the score by Ennio Morricone. The worst thing about this film is that it goes on and on and on and doesn't seem to want to end.
The acting, of course, is terrible. Let's not even talk about the screenplay! But even with all this baggage, I do find the film watchable and even likable at times for its over-the-top 80's cheesiness.
Now that it's official that Hollywood is remaking Red Sonja, it's worth it to watch this film again just to remind ourselves that when a great fantasy film like The Lord of the Rings is bestowed upon us, we should cherish every minute of it. Because good fantasy films, let alone of the caliber of "Rings", are very rarely ever made.