Red Sonja
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Movie Reviews of Red Sonja
Movie Review: "I don't need eyes to find you! I can smell you at a hundred paces!"
Summary: 4 Stars
Though the excellent cover painting features Arnold Schwarzenegger's character most prominently, this cinematic masterpiece (well, maybe not) stars Brigitte Nielsen (from Cobra) in the title role, while Arnold only has a supporting role. Showcasing hilariously horrendous acting and groan-inducing dialogue, `Red Sonja' is both terrible and magnificent at the same time.
After an angelic blue ghost endows her with unequaled swordsmanship skills, Sonja the redheaded she-devil hops on her horse and races off on an epic quest to destroy a glowing green talisman before IT destroys the world. The awesomely powerful talisman has fallen into the vile hands of the fiendish Queen Gedren, who is using the lime-colored orb to shatter kingdoms with storms and earthquakes.
As the scarlet-cloaked warrior woman battles her way towards the evil Queen's stone castle, she meets up with Tarn, the child Prince of Hablok, and his portly, long-suffering slave, Falkon. Red Sonja's decision to rescue the royal whelp from a thieving band of ruffians who are in the process of drawing and quartering him is perhaps a poor one, as Tarn (portrayed by Ernie Reyes, Jr. from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II - The Secret of the Ooze) is an intolerable BRAT the likes of which has not been seen in motion pictures before of since. Young Tarn continually taunts his rotund servant with insulting epithets like "fool" and "clumsy oaf" while threatening to have him hung by the heels and/or impaled. Sonja wisely advises Falkon to turn the ungrateful pup over his knee and beat some manners into him, but the fiercely loyal protector refuses.
Much as she detests being aided by a man, Sonja is repeatedly assisted by the muscle-bound High Lord, Kalidor (portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, governor of California and star of Kindergarten Cop and Commando (Director's Cut)), who is equally determined to see the dreaded phosphorescent talisman terminated...so to speak. The valiant swashbuckler effortlessly mows down Gedren's black-clad soldiers and gouges out the metallic eyeballs of a vicious mechanical sea serpent. Kalidor is instantly enamored with the flame-haired female fighter, but Sonja has made a vow: "No man may have me unless he has beaten me in a fair fight." Thus, their courtship is marked by the clanging of broadswords.
Together, Sonja, Kalidor, Tarn and Falkon traverse the treacherous landscape of Burkubane--Land of Eternal Night--on their perilous mission to the great circular entrance of Gedren's lair.
This DVD release from Warner Bros. has no special features, aside from the theatrical trailer, and it does not come with an insert. The widescreen transfer is a little fuzzy and way too dark. Nevertheless, fans of fun (if less-than-Oscar-worthy) sword and sorcery epics should consider adding `Red Sonja' to their collections...especially since they never show it on cable TV anymore. As Prince Tarn might say: `Order it NOW, you great clumsy OAF!'
Movie Review: I'm In The Red
Summary: 4 Stars
Yup, we've all seen it, and some of us are a tad ashamed to admit that we like it. After all, if you liked Conan and the Beastmaster, it's only natural that you would have checked this out as well. Brigitte Nielsen makes her debut as the fiery haired valkyrie warrior who's out on a mission for revenge. In the Conan tradition, some evil queen killed her family and had her soldiers violate her. So now she hates and distrusts men, but we all know she'll get over that within the course of the film coz she has to team up with three male warriors. The evil queen has also stolen some glo-stick type talisman that is going to destroy the world in a few days. So now Sonja is not only gonna avenge herself, but save the world!! A real Two for One deal if I ever saw one. This movie definitely comes across as a bit more cornball than the Conan films. It looks rather low budget(not quite Deathstalker low budget, but low), and the actors seem to be taking all of this silliness rather seriously. Arnold seems a bit bored by this barbarian stuff by now and pretty much plays second fiddle to Nielsen. Nielsen may be a cutie, but she's not gonna win any awards for acting. Sandahl Bergman is a rather hammy and cliched villain. Probably the biggest flaw of this movie is that damnable kiss of death of casting an irritating loud mouthed child as one of the lead characters. This would be Ernie Reyes, jr(he was also in The Last Dragon) who you'll be wishing a slow death on from the moment you meet him. Why do so many films do this? Do they think it's cute? But in the end, those who have grown up with this movie can't help but enjoy it in all of it's cheesy glory. Your average Harry Potter fan will probably just scoff. Oh, well. It's still a fun addition to Manly Barbarian Movie Night. Here's a big shock: They're remaking it!Movie Review: Red Sonja on DVD
Summary: 4 Stars
Red Sonja was Directed by Richard Fleischer(who also directed Conan the Destroyer). Admittedly, this was the worst film of the Conan style fantasy series, but it still has something to offer to loyal 80's fans. Excellent casting with the top action stars of the moment. This film has Arnold fresh off his Terminator hit, Brigitte Nielsen fresh off Rocky 4, and 80s karate star Ernie Reyes JR(star of the 80s TV series Sidekicks). Red Sonja is fun, but it doesn't offer anything original. Just the same old save the world, good versus evil stuff.
If you couldn't get enough of the first 2 Conan movies and you need more, then pick up red Sonja. She isn't as pretty as Xena, but she and Arnold swing one hell of a sword! really excellent barbarian style sword fighting.
casting=4.5 stars
ending=4 stars
Directing and Editing=3.75 stars
plot & storyline=2.5 stars
replay value=3.5 stars
OVERALL= 3.65 TOTAL STARS
DVD FEATURES: Red Sonja has a very nice wide screen transfer, chapter selection and movie trailer.
Sadly after a long wait for this DVD, we didn't get any commentary from the director or Brigitte. That's pretty sad that they don't try to give a little more quality to the fans after a long wait. Brigitte Nielsen hasn't done a good film since Beverly Hills cop 2 in 1987, so it's not like she is too occupied. The DVD special features are pathetic. At least give us some filmographies or something...
Movie Review: Surprisingly Creative
Summary: 4 Stars
Maybe you have to be in the right mood to enjoy this movie, and it certainly helps to have low expectations going into it. Still, there's something about it that's kind of cute and endearing. The acting sucks, the dialogue is bizarre ("I have fought 177 men; only one is still alive...and he has no legs!"), and the plot is not very important to anyone in the movie, but the set design and costume design are totally insane. The design of the movie drifts in and out of real and imagined historical periods, and every scene uncovers another bizarre, oversized piece of scenery or headgear. The chemistry between the actors is also kind of sweet, especially the young prince (Ernie Reyes, Jr, who would later play the kung-fu Yanomamo Indian leader in The Rundown with The Rock) and his man-at-arms/father figure. For some reason this movie's lack of grounding in reality suckers you in and helps you accept the strange campiness of it all. Especially cute is a prolonged sword fight scene between Arnold and Brigitte Nielson that ends with them falling down exhausted. Now if only they had cigarettes. Give this movie a shot, at least you can learn where Arnold's misogynistic butt-slapping ways came from.Movie Review: Could have (should have) been Conan 3?
Summary: 4 Stars
When I first viewed this video (I won't admit how old I was) it took a long time to realize Arnold was Kalidor and not Conan. Perhaps because his other movies were a long way off from from a Barbarian film or I wanted it to be a sequel. Either way, I enjoyed this film. Now I don't review films, however after reading some of the other reviews I had to defend Arnold. Maybe people need to be reminded that, although this movie is being released on DVD it still is a 1985 released video. The special effects were nowhere near what they are now. I'm not a history buff as I'm sure most people aren't. The exact clothing worn in an era or weapons used aren't as important as the entertainment being provided (unless they try shooting each other with rifles). I am less harsh on actors/actresses making debuts. I've never done it, but it can't be easy. As far as I'm concerned this is a good movie and I will buy it on DVD when it becomes available (anyone want to buy my video version?)