Mystery Science Theater 3000 - The Hellcats

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - The Hellcats

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Movie Reviews of Mystery Science Theater 3000 - The Hellcats

Movie Review: MST3K Classics: "The Hellcats" (or "The Return of Hagen")
Summary: 5 Stars

But there is a reason it was made, and it had to do with drive-in theaters. "The Hellcats", I'm sure, was something of an ATM for the producers and the theater owners, the bottom-half of the double-bill (which would have been referred to at my old fave drive-in as "OUR 2ND BIG FEATURE") that would have been out-of-focus, ignored, or forgotten. But the booking fees alone would pay for the production, and by the time anybody noticed that this flick was chock-a-block with contempt for the prospective audience, the cars were pulling in to the stalls, John and Marsha were sipping soda pop and wondering who was going to make the first move, and all the right people would begin re-lining their wallets.

And that's where MST3K comes in, resurrecting this garbage heap, and shining some light on one of the purest examples of how not to ever make a movie. Although the host sequences are flashbacks to previous episodes, they are still funny, and show the real creativity of the writers and performers.

The movie (by itself) is unwatchable. Not only because of its sheer stupidity, and at times, even because of the incompetence in its making.

An example. A rival gang meets up with our heroes (?) and their leaders challenge each other to a race. They take off, and for a good three or four minutes of screen time, we see various shots of the bored-looking gangs, and hear what sounds like low-horsepower engines revving and slowing, revving and slowing, revving and slowing. Then the gang leaders re-appear, race over. As Crow says, "What an exciting race." And when they decide to fight, it's Ross - playing a Vietnam vet - who cools 'em out, saying, "Peace, brothers! No more war!" (To which Joel says, "Hey, look! It's Ross Hagen, the Prince of Peace!")

The gang on the satellite finds fodder everywhere, from the remarkably bad camera work ("FOCUS!" is heard at least four times), the psychedelic parties that look like the least-fun frat mixers ever (although Crow disagrees), to the fact that Ross Hagen is the star (famous from "Sidehackers", his refrain of, "Chili peppers burn my gut," can be heard more than once).

My favorite scene? Towards the end, Ross is caught, beaten up and tied to a table. Well, more correctly, his knees are tied to a table. To which Crow says, "Those guys have a lot to learn about tying people to furniture."

There is a feeling hanging over the non-MSTied movie that a whole lot of people got tricked into doing this over a long summer weekend, and when they realized what had happened, they still didn't care. This movie hates the audience, and it says so, over and over. The SOL says it right back.