Mars Needs Women
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Movie Reviews of Mars Needs Women
Movie Review: The Day the Earth Went About Its Business
Summary: 1 Stars
Now, what would really happen if a group of humanoid young men from Mars came to Earth to find female immigrants? Wouldn't about a million hopefuls get in line? The whole affair could run on TV as a reality show called Space Bachelor. Of course, in this movie, it's rather befuddling as to just what fate awaits these women. Are they to be mates of the particular travelers, sex partners of other (maybe many) Martians, or subjects of artificial insemination and experimentation? These fourth-planet guys don't even seem to know whether they are to be snatched indiscriminately or chosen by appearance, assumption of fertility, personality, and/or smarts. They must have initially figured they'd just grab a few gals and go, but somehow the beaming up didn't work. The audience is never told why--whether the subjects disintegrated, got their molecules stewed with those of starlings, or were just beamed aboard dead. So, the boys have to come down and walk the Earth, and--guess what--they end up acting just like Terran males, wasting time watching football, ogling an exotic dancer, and following a flight attendant. One of them happens upon an excellent choice--a young, beautiful, brilliant astro-geneticist (whom the editorial review identifies as a reporter!) But, instead of inviting her to Mars, he dillydallies around, going to a planetarium and other frivolities. And, are the inhabitants of Terra terrified that nubile natives are being seized for probable ravishment on the red planet? Not so much. The cops surmise that any girl who goes missing must be an abductee. But is the National Guard swarming over the streets? Is martial law declared? Are likely prospects for transport huddling in their homes? Naw. Pretty damsels are engaged in such perilous pursuits as sitting on the sidewalk drawing trees--and the attention of a Martian. Not surprisingly, the choices are sixties sexual icons: a stewardess, stripper, beauty queen, and co-ed (i.e. advocate of free love). As either intentional or unintentional parody, this feature is a total flop. It's flat, boring, and unfunny. The director apparently had one objective: beat in time for 80 minutes. Otherwise, the outcome looks as if a camera operator was instructed to follow the noise and film whatever was making it. But one space opera objective WAS achieved: these aliens come off as complete creeps!Movie Review: PATHETIC -- You Have Been Warned.
Summary: 1 Stars
I picked up "Mars Needs Women" recently but wish I would have checked the negative Amazon reviews before doing so, because this is a REALLY bad movie, and not in the good way.
Some movies are technically bad but fun nevertheless and highly entertaining. "Village of the Giants" is an excellent example of this (some would cite "Plan 9 from Outer Space" as another good example but I disagree; "Plan 9" is not so bad it's good, it's so bad it's BAD!). "Village of the Giants" possesses a wealth of great scenes highlighted by quite a few cute girls; it is therefore very worthwhile.
"Mars Needs Women" would seem to be a movie of the same caliber for a few reasons: 1.) The name itself, 2.) the backcover description: "WARNING: Sex-Starved Spacemen on the Prowl for Bodacious Babes!" (which, of course, gives the impression that the flick will be full of bodacious babes), 3.) the casting of Tommy Kirk, who also stars in "Village of the Giants," and particularly 4.) the casting of Yvonne Craig.
The fact that Yvonne stars in "Mars" was the clincher for me to pick it up. Unfortunately Yvonne doesn't really appear until 45 minutes into the picture (!) and you don't ONCE see her dressed in those alluring, skimpy, tight costumes that she wears in "Batman" as Batgirl or in Star Trek's "Whom Gods Destroy."
Is the film worth picking up to catch a few nice glimpses of some other notable 60's babes? Unfortunately no. A few scenes depict a Martian ogling a cute stripper, but these scenes are certainly not worth buying the movie for (or investing your time).
As for the production, sets and directing, you'd see better filmmaking by simply watching an episode of "I Dream of Jeanie." Not to mention that the dialogue is atrocious and the storytelling dreadfully boring -- filled with numerous scenes of stock footage. In fact, in the first half hour you would think that the paging speaker at the Airbase is a starring cast member.
I admit that I laughed out loud a few times because of how godawful this stinker is, so it may be worthwhile for this alone; other than that AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!
Movie Review: Too serious
Summary: 1 Stars
The Mars Needs Women plot line builds a lightning quick romance between Mars man Dop, Tommy Kirk and Earth woman Dr. Bowen, Yvonne Craig. A background premise of a 100-1 boy to girl lopsided birth ratio catastrophe (except for the girls of course) occurring back on Mars explains why there are 5 Martians on Earth and also gives the movie its name. There is abduction of potential childbearing women, a man hunt, or Martian hunt depending on how you look at it, outrage over the Martian designs to steel off with Earth women, etc., etc...
It's just too damn serious. I wasn't expecting that at all.
With a Title like "Mars Needs Women", ca-maaannn! Lighten up. I was expecting to see something like 40 or 50 horney Martian guys chasing after 1960s type sexy Earth chicks, accompanied by the quintessential garbage head or two buffooning around and adding to the laughs. Instead I get Yvonne Craig, a righteous dish herself, giving a not too shabby early 1960s lecture on the intricacies of DNA structure. She was also the cutest thing in the movie. Bubbles Cash wasn't too bad either.
I had a friend who used to say about movies "If its stupid and its meant to be stupid, I can live with that. But if its stupid and its meant to be serious, I want to blow it up with a bazooka." That's how Mars Needs Women impresses me. Nonetheless, watch it. You owe yourself the experience.
Movie Review: Almost wish I weren't old enough to post reviews . . .
Summary: 1 Stars
As every other reviewer of this says, it is terrible. Terrible. Not scary but horrendous. A waste of film, film-developing chemicals, editing time, and even the time of filming it. It's a wonder film projectors didn't, and DVD players don't, refuse to play it as a matter of self-respect.
But, not to worry: no good actors are wasted in it. And I don't feel any pity for Tommy Kirk: there's no evidence that he was forced to participate in this: he did it voluntarily. In fact, he should be jailed for life for allowing the use of his name to entice moviegoers to spend their hard-earned quarters to see this when it first escaped quarantine.
But none of that should matter: buy it, pop up a HUGE amount of popcorn -- 4-5 times the usual amount -- and FORCE yourself to sit through this. I promise you'll enjoy throwing the popcorn at the screen; just don't throw a whole bowl at a time.
I give this one star because the only other options, which are criminally unacceptable, are to give it two, if one is snidely hostile, three, if one is petulant and nasty, four, if one is a sadomasochistic sociopath, or five, if one is hoping to be assassinated.
Movie Review: It Stinks
Summary: 1 Stars
It stinks, and there isn't much more that you can say about this film, which reminds me of a badly filmed skin-flick with all the sex scenes deleted. We're talking grade Z actors, script, production values, and direction--and the sell-by date on the package expired a couple of decades ago.The story, such as it: the Martians (who look suspicious like men with a Spandex fetish) have run out of women, so they nip next door in a spaceship that looks like an over-decorated pie pan to borrow a few. Now, it happens that the ones they want lack brains, beauty, and God knows they lack acting talent, so you'd think Earth would be glad to see them go. But no, Earth gets offended; the Martians decide to take 'em anyway; hostilities ensue. Whoop-De-Doo.
Now, there are bad movies that are fun to watch. But MARS WANTS WOMEN is not one of them: it won't take you ten minutes to realize that you would have been better off using your dollar bills for toilet paper than spending them on this flick. If you don't believe me, then at least rent the darn thing before you buy it--but either way, don't say you weren't warned.