Invasion of the Blood Farmers

Invasion of the Blood Farmers

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Movie Reviews of Invasion of the Blood Farmers

Movie Review: Invasion of the Schlockmeisters is more like it...
Summary: 5 Stars

These are the exploitation flicks, the cult films, the drive-in movies of yore. Except for unintentional humor, there is no redeeming value to this peculiar film subgenre characterized by shock value and horrible execution. Invasion of the Blood Farmers is a perfect example of the latter.

Local yokels in Jefferson Valley are disappearing at an alarming rate. The chief of police is out of town, so the disappearances are of great concern. One of the town drunks stumbles into his home away from home bleeding profusely and gurgling incoherently before he finally succumbs in front of the rest of the barflies' startled eyes. When the town pathologists analyze his blood, they discover that it has been tainted by an outside agent that causes red blood cells to reproduce at an alarming rate. As evidence, a test tube that originally contained a drop of the victim's blood is now overflowing with the red stuff.

The force behind the disappearances and the mysterious "plasma disorder" is a group of Druids taking up residence at a neighboring farm. Their aim is to resurrect the Queen of the Sangroids. In order to do this, they must feed her blood. Sounds easy enough, but there's a catch: the blood must be of a type that does not react to the agent that causes accelerated blood cell growth. Therefore, the Druids go about draining all the locals of their blood (with what looks like an air compressor!) and then testing it to see if they have found the right person to revive their dead queen.

Invasion of the Blood Farmers is one of those movies you watch with constantly raised eyebrows. The no-budget production value and deplorable acting make a 1-900 "chat" line commercial look like high art. With a movie like this, you can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness, especially the script. For example, a character relating a story about the weird goings-on he witnessed at the Druid farm wistfully says, "If I only had a camera, I woulda had a picture." Somewhere, Ed Wood is cringing.

One usually thinks of Druids as black-cloaked, gothic dudes performing rituals by holding goblets up to the full moon at Stonehenge. The Druids in this film are farmers who would look more at home in 2000 Maniacs, although there is one black-cloaked dude. He is their leader, a young guy whose hair and sideburns are highlighted with white shoe polish to make him look older. The farmer Druids work to collect blood for him to resurrect the Queen, a hilarious process in which the victim is tied down and fitted with a transfusion kit set in reverse so the blood comes out rather than going in. The sound of the dripping, draining blood is amusingly overemphasized; the process sounds like a brewing pot of coffee.

Special mention needs to be made about the "multicultural" cast. The myriad of employed accents rivals those in Meryl Streep's repertoire. Although all villains are Druids, some speak with an overarticulated British accent while the farmers use the good ol' boy drawl of Jefferson Valley, USA. The town professor/pathologist puts on a slight faux Brit accent also, presumably to give him an air of respectability and importance. The funniest, however, is the sheriff's tough-guy Brooklyn accent. It's Mayberry as run by Tony Soprano. I'm still not sure whether or not this was intentional. But I don't think the filmmakers thought that hard about it - I think the New Yawk enunciations are there because that's how the actors really speak. As proof, there's a character in overalls and a cowboy hat who pronounces words like "work" and "thing" as "woik" and "ting."

What's good about this movie? You mean the preceding the three paragraphs didn't prompt you to rush out and buy this movie for the sheer cheesiness of it all? Well, they should. Invasion of the Blood Farmers is a movie in the same vein as The Corpse Grinders. It's truly a drive-in movie, the type they never show on TV - and when they do, it's on some obscure channel at 4:00 a.m. And it is absolutely horrible, from the sets to the makeup to the acting...especially the acting. Ed Adlum's direction elevates Herschell Gordon Lewis to the ranks of Orson Welles. It is just this type of movie that made Mystery Science Theater 3000 a hit. Invasion of the Blood Farmers is awful, uninspiring...and fun. When you can gather a bunch of friends to sit through a movie and hurl rapid-fire witticisms at the screen, well that just makes for an entertaining night and a film that will be looked upon with nostalgia. I remember a time when Invasion was playing at a now-defunct drive-in nearby that specialized in B-movies. If my memory serves me, it shared the marquee with Motel Hell. Years later, I came across an old newspaper advertisement for that drive-in and just the names of those movies made me misty-eyed with reminiscence. Invasion of the Blood Farmers is a far worse movie than Motel Hell (which, in my eyes, falls under that "good bad movie" category). But it's worth a look at least once if only to give your overworked brain a taste of junk food.

Invasion of the Blood Farmers is presented in 1.85 non-anamorphic widescreen (like it matters). To put it nicely, the transfer is below average, even though the DVD box proudly declares that the film is remastered from the original 35mm negative. I don't fault the distributor, however, as the source material was never high quality to begin with. The picture is not necessarily grainy, but soft, almost as if lensed through a filter. Colors are muted and washed out. There are some brief moments in the film where the picture is so grainy and discolored it's unwatchable, almost like a piece of filmstrip was immersed in acid or something. I call it "cinematography by Zapruder". An example is when the screen turns entirely green for about 45 seconds. Artistic expression or poor filmmaking - you make the call.

The Dolby 2.0 mono sound is sub-standard, but what did you expect? Dialogue is hollow, but I have a feeling that is a characteristic of the movie's overall low budget and not the fault of the sound mixers. I might be able to forgive the disc that one fault; however, the rest of the movie sounds so awful I can't find anything positive to say. More than once, the words coming out of actor's mouths are a second or two behind their lip movements - there is no excuse for that since the actors are speaking English! Inappropriately loud swells of music occur during tense or "dramatic" scenes and only serve to drown out any audible conversation. Obnoxious theatrical thunderclaps permeate the Druid ritual scenes and are as loud as a stampede of hysterical elephants escaping the circus. Wearing horseshoes.

The supplements on this disc are barely informational but all promotional. You start off with "Night Owl Theater" featuring schlock producer and host Fred Olen Ray. At first, I thought this would be a cool intro to the movie, similar to Joe Bob Brigg's Drive-In Totals. No such luck. This is purely a promo item with Fred and some out-of-work strippers hocking Retromedia products and urging viewers to send away for free stuff. Related to this is yet another product push disguised as a "supplement" that is a special offer for an Evil Toons animation cel. Night Owl bloopers are also included - I consider that to be a supplement of a supplement. As if that isn't enough, Night Owl Theater appears before the movie starts and the Evil Toons Special Offer turns up after the credits roll, ensuring that audiences don't miss the plugs.

With the shameless self-promotion out of the way, fans of Invasion of the Blood Farmers can enjoy an extensive still gallery of the most memorable shots from the movie set to its score. After that, you can enjoy the original theatrical trailer. But wait...there's more! Also included are five other trailers for films released under Retromedia's Fred Olen Ray Night Owl Theater collection: Angel Eyes, Evil Spawn, Fatal Justice, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers and Scalps.

Bad movies...you gotta love 'em. Or at least some of them. I am a true fan of the bad movie when it is done with a modicum of self-aware humor combined with the genuine efforts of a moderately competent cast and crew. Invasion of the Blood Farmers has neither. This is a bad movie and everyone involved knows it. I'm fairly certain that when filming wrapped, the parties involved knew there would be no need to prepare an Oscar night acceptance speech. Let me emphasize, though, that I have more respect for the type of movie that at least acknowledges its dreadfulness than I do for glossy, overproduced dreck that passes for a blockbuster these days (Godzilla 1998, anyone?). If first-rate horror is what you seek, buy The Exorcist. But if you just want to hunker down in front of your TV late one night and throw popcorn at the screen, Invasion of the Blood Farmers may be just what the doctor ordered.