If You Only Knew
by David Snedeker
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DVD Cover Information
Actor: Alison Eastwood, Gabrielle Anwar, James LeGros, Johnathon Schaech, Lainie KazanDirector: David Snedeker
Cinematographer: Kristian Bernier
DVD: Region Code 1
Audio: English (Original Language)
Format: Closed-captioned, Color, DVD-Video, NTSC
Picture Format: 1.33:1
Running Time: 110 minutes
DVD Release Date: 2005-07-26
Audience Rating: PG-13 (Parental Guidance Suggested)
Studio: Allumination
Movie Reviews of If You Only Knew
Movie Review: Need a Marilyn Monroe
Summary: 3 Stars
Admittedly the lead character has a run of bad luck: he's working for a "fake" psychic 900 line (and a friend of mine is working for one of these, so I know they're not routinely fake) after getting fired from his journalist job, and then his apartment goes up in smoke after he falls asleep with a candle burning. He sees a woman in a shop he is immediately attracted to, but she turns out to be his prospective roommate, and the reason why he's a prospect is because he's been mistaken for being gay. (All that sensitivity and a certain naivete on his part has led to the necessary misconception to get the plot going.) So "meet cute" doesn't automatically correspond to cute couple, as he wants to live in the apartment and be close to her, so that necessitates his pretending to be gay, rather than risk getting tossed out. Alison Eastwood and Jonathon Schaech are the leads, and there are problems right there, with the casting. Alison Eastwood has one quality right that serves the production; there is a common earthiness to her, she could easily be mistaken for "white trash," and this coarseness works for the part. You can imagine how a straight guy would automatically make her his object of desire, unlike a cold and blandly wholesome type blonde like Kate Hudson, who could have been considered for this same role. Hudson is better at keeping a man at bay rather than drawing him in thru a combination vulnerability and earthiness as Eastwood embodies. What is wrong, however, with Eastwood's casting is she is an extremely limited one-note actress, with a nasal voice. Without finesse in comedy her dialogue scenes fall flat, especially since her voice itself is flat and nonexpressive; she is far better as a physically expressive actress, especially in scenes in which she is attired the way Marilyn Monroe would have been. In fact, in another time, this would have been a perfect Monroe feature, and she would have been able to handle the comedy. Much more experienced co-star Schaech is quite good here, but there is a loophole in the screenplay that has the physically gorgeous actor strangely lame when it comes to women (the guy can't seem to get a date), though gay men find him attractive (maybe because the occupancy of the pool is slimmer pickings?). But even Schaech has no real funny moments, which means the direction is at fault, as a comedy requires a certain lightness which is missing here. He's also as an actor very talented, and certainly leading man attractive, but lacks the star quality of a big name movie star (Cruise, Roberts), which is why as a film actor he still falls below the radar (a fate shared until recently with actors'-actor Christian Bale "Batman"). Sometimes only a star's charisma can save a production. The only true hilarity in the film comes from the invented character of "Boris" (and it's over-the-top, neatly out of place in this film), a friend of the lead pretending to be a gay boyfriend so girl roommate will stop setting up pretend gay guy on gay dates. But not everything else is bad: there is some sweet bonding going on between the leads, their friendship, based upon a misconception (his being gay) which allows them to have a freedom to explore each other as people rather than potential romantic contrast. As well, he is able to feel relaxed around women in a way he's never been before: the conflict isn't there, as there is in normal straight woman-straight man sexual awareness. And the straight man pretending to be gay is interacting with more gay men, which also allows his own self-awareness and self-confidence to strengthen. The soundtrack is forgettable, except for a bar scene where the lead singer is impressive. But the screenplay doesn't know whether it wants to be a gentle comedic exploration of male-female bonding or should be more traditional comedy of errors, which involves more loud, outrageous happenings. So I'd recommend a rental on the film, rather than an outright purchase, unless you're a fan of either Eastwood or Schaech and require the personal copy to sit on your shelf. It will get watched, it's not a bad film, but it's not as good as it could have been: the screenplay was trying to do too many things and the direction was heavy-handed, and the film required a Monroe, and there doesn't seem to be one out there. (And I'm not a Monroe fan, so that says a lot from me.)
Summary of If You Only Knew
? Beautiful artist Sam (Alison Eastwood) lives in a terrific loft in the Village. Parker (Johnathon Schaech) would like nothing more than to share the space with Sam. However, Sam only rents her spare room to gay men. What begins as a lie of omission turns into and incredible friendship in this utterly romantic comedy. A wildly funny and original look at the things we do for love.. and a really great apartment.Art House & International DVD Video
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