Convict 762
by Luca Bercovici

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Movie Reviews of Convict 762

Movie Review: Oh, The Humanity!
Summary: 1 Stars

The plot: a shipload of ladies flying through space accidentally, due to the incompetence of a crew member, flies into an asteroid field where the ship loses a large amount of its fuel in a collision. Since they no longer have enough power to get back to base, the captain of the vessel, named Niles and played by Shannon Sturges, decides to land at a penal colony in order to repair and refuel the ship. There is a lot of grumbling about this decision, with some blather about other ships avoiding this place like the plague, but Niles throws caution to the wind and heads into disaster. As the ship drifts down to the prison, the crewmembers spot two guys fighting each other in weird spacesuits. Failing to raise anyone on the radio, intrepid Captain Niles continues on, managing to break up the fight by bumping one of the guys with the space ship (!) before landing. Soon there is some story about a prison riot resulting in massive fatalities because "convict 762" went on a rampage. References made throughout the movie speak about how this convict is beyond human in his capacity for killing, he's death, he's disease, and all that stuff. Needless to say, Niles and company pick up both of these guys without any idea which one is 762. That's what the whole movie revolves around: who is convict 762 and will the crew discover the truth before he goes on another killing spree.

The biggest problem with "Convict 762," apart from the terrible acting, atrocious script, molasses-like pacing, and cheesy CGI effects, is the infinite stupidity shown by Niles and the crew. This movie simply possesses no logic to speak of, as Niles repeatedly makes decisions that are the height of idiocy. When the killings start, she blithely sends crewmembers off to their deaths by letting people separate from the group. One member of the ship's crew is a real troublemaker, but Niles continually lets her roam about so she can cause further havoc on her fellow shipmates. The worst decision Niles makes occurs at the end of the film, and is so moronic that I simply could not believe my eyes. It is obvious the director threw this in just so the film could have a little nudity. "Convict 762" reeks of inanity from top to bottom.

The question that continually arose in my mind while I watched this movie (it should have been "why am I watching this?") was why Billy Drago agreed to co-star in this wretched project. If you are familiar with Drago, and you will be as soon as you see him, he always plays great onscreen villains. In "Convict 762," he plays Mannix, one of the guys Niles picks up from the penal colony. Usually, Drago is fascinating to watch, but here he is largely wasted in an unsatisfying role. By the way, how is it possible for Mannix to be on fire for nearly five minutes and then suddenly arise, ready for combat? Maybe I should not ask questions that have no answers. The other guy character, Frank Zagarino, is downright offensive to even the basest sensibilities in the role of Vigo. In fact, every character endlessly grated on my nerves. There is a scene in one of the "Wayne's World" films where Garth hears a Kenny G song and undergoes a flashback about a painful trip to the dentist. When I think about "Convict 762" now, I have a slightly different type of flashback, a flashback to grade school when a fellow student raked his fingernails down a chalkboard. That's the only sensation I can equate with viewing "Convict 762."

Will Niles and company escape the wrath of convict 762? I didn't care if anyone made it in the end and neither will you after surviving this film. Actually, I would rather fight convict 762 armed only with a Q-Tip than watch this movie again. This picture is just a bad, unentertaining quagmire of a movie that should deeply offend anyone who appreciates the science fiction genre. There are good, low budget sci-fi films out there, but one usually has to wade through movies like this to find them. What a shame.

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