Boa vs. Python
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Movie Reviews of Boa vs. Python
Movie Review: So BAD it's GOOD
Summary: 5 Stars
This movie rocks. Period. It's a touching, feel-good story about the trials and tribulations of a giant, underprivileged boa constrictor growing up in inner city Chicago. Grab yourself a glass of... milk... and drink every time the FBI agent says something catchy, like you just clicked on a marine in starcraft -- "outstanding", "I'm ready to kick some butt, sir". And chug that glass of leche every time Broddick rips off his shirt to show he means business. Also imbide some dairy goodness every time an 80 foot snake sneaks up on someone without them noticing (two drinks if they get bit in half).
Summary: This movie ROCKS, you will laugh yourself SILLY
Movie Review: I named my snake Betty!
Summary: 5 Stars
I want "two great snakes that snake great together" engraved on my tombstone.
Also, forget the snakes AND the ladies, check out David Hewlett!
Movie Review: ROCKIN REPTILES
Summary: 4 Stars
Hey, for a straight to video release, this one ain't so bad. The obvious CGI effects are pretty darned good; the snakes looked part of the action most of the time. In this one, a musclebound big game hunter sneaks a huge python (where he got it, no one bothers to tell us) into the country in order to provide some wealthy businessmen a rare hunting opportunity. Of course, the snake escapes and heads for the sewer system of Philadelphia (of all places). FBI Honcho (played glumly if adequately by Kirk B. R. Woller) contacts a pretty biologist (Playboy's Jaime Bergman) who has been working with dolphins to use her "implants" on a giant boa being harvested by scholarly and almost hunky David Hewlett. They use these implants to track the python through the boa's eyes. Mysteriously enough, the darned machine doesn't work very well (there goes government spending again), so the good guys don't know that the bad guys (the hunters) are also on the prowl for the snake(s). Adam Kendrick as Broddick, the head nasty, chews up both the scenery and his cigars, and throws his considerable weight around, alas to no avail.
Of all the snake movies, and we've had tons, this one isn't the best, but it's certainly not the worst (see SSSSSS...). Anyway, fans of this type of movie shouldn't be too disappointed.
Movie Review: Just not as much fun as I had hoped...
Summary: 3 Stars
The thing that struck me as unique about this movie was the roll of Agent Sharpe played by Kirk Woller. Usually the guy in charge refuses to believe what is happening and by the time he realizes their impending doom, it's too late and the carnage begins. Within about 5 seconds of hearing that 2 deaths have occurred at a local water treatment plant (and with the aid of a just discovered giant scale as the only clue) Agent Sharpe immediately solves the mystery then spits out a detailed 47 step plan of action from shutting down the plant and limiting access to the area to acquiring the services of a nearby government issue gigantic Boa Constrictor to hunt for the rogue Python. Has this guy been waiting his whole life for this scenario to occur? You're thinking "No way! Never in a million years does this happen". His plan has more holes than Sonny Corleone's car at a New Jersey ticket booth but to spit that plan out on the fly was quite impressive, totally unbelievable but impressive. There was some hope for this movie...
I will also praise the explanation behind the giant Boa existing in the lab. It seems pretty believable in the realm of Sci-Fi B-movies that David Hewlett's character would be trying to create a universal snake anti-venom by feeding small poisonous snakes to his giant Boa Constrictor and using it's blood as anti-venom. Nicely done.
And the special giant snake effects were not totally atrocious. I'd prefer to see the blatant use of a man in a rubber suit in full daylight (see "Alien 3000") which always gets me into the mood for a good laugher of a bad movie but the effects were passable.
But of course other than that, the movie falls apart with plot holes and stereotypical character flaws and into the schlock we expect. The assumption that the Boa can do anything to stop the Python is lame not to mention that there are about 1,000 better ways to catch or kill the snake than to compound the problem by releasing another one. And how was the lab isolated Boa pregnant in the first place? Hello? Give me something here. Don't tell my Mr. Python is the father in record time. O.K. fine, set up the sequel if you must. Not that this movie really ends in the first place. The opening credit sound track sounds like something more appropriate for an Atari 2600 video game circa 1979. Da da da da, da da da da, digitally replicated over and over again ad nauseam.
Angel Boris does her award winning plot independent nude scene which is not a complaint by any stretch of the imagination. She's hot and I rented the movie because of her. I remember her from "General Hospital", "Las Vegas" and "Fear Factor" and she reminds me of the typical actress struggling in Hollywood using her assets to get parts until he big break. Actually, she does seem to be steadily improving, she probably has the most believable part in the movie and is afforded the luxury of playing it straight, unlike most of the painfully over the top portrayals here. The father and son hunting team is more painful than the sound track!
Final ratings: ***-Angel Boris , ***1/2-Boa (Immaculate conception sub plot), **-Python (At least he kills almost everyone in the movie!): Summary: Just not as much fun as I had hoped. Needed to have had much more gore and some over the top carnage to overlook the plot flaws. Definitely needed more humor for this genre. Maybe more skin as well. Overall ***
Movie Review: Slithering Snakes and Bouncing Bunnies ...
Summary: 3 Stars
B Movies are meant to be "guilty pleasure" movies ... watched to satisfy those urges, instincts and desires that we're not always ready to admit to openly in public. Featuring various combinations of babe lust, wonton carnage, savage (or not so savage) brutality, far out locations, techno-junky-ism, monsters, weapon fetishes, space ships, mutants, armored vehicles and more babe lust, they come in Horror, Monster, Sci-Fi, Girly and many other sub-varieties. My reviews of such movies take this intentional "guilty pleasure" aspect into account and are written for people who enjoy either watching or making fun of this sort of entertainment at least some of the time. SOME B movies are so well made they really aren't B movies at all, and when I feel I've found one, I'll let you know.
Boa Vs. Python
Featuring David Hewlett (Stargate Atlantis), Jaime Bergman (Playboy) and Angel Boris (Playboy), Boa Vs. Python gets three stars from me as a Monster vs. Monster B movie (Story = 2, Production Values = 3.5, Babe Quality = 4, Exposure = 2 ... and no, my final score of 3 isn't a mathematical average). For me, this movie had the feel of a computer game where the players are pitted against two giant snakes who also happen to be pitted against each other. Bergman and Boris are both very easy on the eyes and will appeal to anyone who enjoys watching Playboy Bunnies troop around video game like sets toting weapons and pseudo-scientific gear ... as long as you're not too disappointed by only brief nudity and a lack of overtly sexual content. As a bunny who's been in several films, Boris's acting is certainly suitable for B movies and won't disappoint folks who are used to the genre. When it comes to B movies, Boris "gets it" and seems to be having fun jiggling around the woods in a lace lined, low cut top, camouflage BDU pants and a gun. Bergman seemed a little less practiced, but more than makes up for it with very appealing looks and a bust line that bounces nicely when she runs in a snug, low cut top. (Remember folks, we're talking guilty pleasures and eye candy here, not Academy Award performances.) David Hewlett has been putting in fan pleasing performances on Stargate Atlantis for a couple of seasons now and definitely added some quality to the overall acting effort of this film in his role as a snake specialist. His presence in the film definitely makes easier the extra level of "suspension of disbelief" required for B movies. It's a genre he'd probably do well to spend more time in.
All in all, this was an enjoyable film for those of us who can enjoy B movies with a "not taking it too seriously" attitude. It lacked the graphic violence, increased skin exposure, sexual content and top notch effects to get more stars on the B-movie scale, but I definitely enjoyed it.