Astro-Zombies
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Movie Reviews of Astro-Zombies
Movie Review: Not nearly as bad as you've heard, but certainly not good.
Summary: 2 Stars
The Astro-Zombies (Ted V. Mikels, 1968)
Over the past year or so, The Astro-Zombies, one of the films that sent Ted V. Mikels down the path from serious movie director to maker of exploitation trash, has mysteriously disappeared from the IMDB Bottom 100. It currently has a rating of 2.2, which ties it with such timeless film classics as Epic Movie (currently sitting at #76 on the list) and a movie I recently reviewed, the Paris Hilton vehicle Nine Lives (#77). But it's not there. I'm not sure why that is, but I buy it; The Astro-Zombies is far from the worst movie I've ever seen. It's not even the worst movie I've seen this week. (That honor goes to Schizophreniac: The Whore Mangler, which I'll be reviewing right after I finish this one, and which somehow has a 3.4.) Don't get me wrong, it's still a bloody awful movie, but it is at least technically somewhat competent, has some big-name (at least for the genre) actors who really can act (kinda), and has a coherent plot, at least if you're on some sort of controlled substance.
Do you really need a plot summary? Okay, then. Dr. DeMarco (John Carradine), a researcher who has been cast out from the fold, has holed up with his assistant Tyros (The Blob's Vincent Barbi) in a secluded fortress-like laboratory where he's been experimenting with making Astro-Zombies. Why are they called Astro-Zombies? Well, there's something nuclear about them, though it's never quite explained what, but they're very much human. In fact, they're made from mixed parts of folks that Tyros has gone out, abducted or killed, and brought back to the lab. Now, one of the Astro-Zombies has gotten out and spoiled DeMarco's surprise, alerting two different groups to their existence: there's the cops and the good-guy scientists, all led by the dashingly handsome Holman (the great character actor Wendell Corey, who died of liver failure not long after the movie's release), and then there are the foreign agents Satana (Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!'s Tura Satana) and her ominous sidekick Juan (Where the Buffalo Roam's Rafael Campos), who want the technology for their own twisted means.
It's all a mess, to be sure, but it's a glorious mess. Corey poses. Satana glowers. Carradine...gets far too little screen time. Mikels, who is still very much active (and is, in fact, working on a third Astro-Zombies movie as I write this; the sequel was released in 2002), is a decent director, if nothing special, and knows where to put cameras to get maximum effect. That effect may be unintentional hilarity, but still. This is not a movie that you're going to want to go seeking out, unless you have a thing for bad movies, but if you happen to catch it on late-night TV and there's nothing better on, it's a hoot. * ½
Movie Review: A few bits of goodness, but my finger was mostly on the FF button
Summary: 2 Stars
I am continuing my mission to review every movie with the word "zombie" or "dead" in the title. I'm on the fence when it comes to "Astro Zombies". It's barely a good "bad movie"; and comes quite close to crossing the line into being a bad "bad movie".
First, and most important, what strain of Zombie are these Astro Zombies? These are the solar powered, plastic "space man" masked, stabbing and killing variety of zombie. There are no flesh-eaters here, but these zombies are so unique that they are almost endearing. Especially when one has to run around holding a flashlight to his solar panel, so he may ambulate at night when his power reserves are low. The zombies get a 6/10 for uniqueness.
The gore is barely existent. A few splashes of red here and there, and some jiggling hearts and brains in jars. Gore score: 1/10.
Speaking of jiggling, the gratuitous sexism and nudity is low on the scale as well. The zombies "happen" to rip open their victims' shirts while stabbing them, but it's so poorly shot that it doesn't really matter. There is one naked dancing girl, who is painted head to toe, and another young lady strapped to a torture table (for no reason what so ever). Once again, these scenes are poorly shot/lit/edited. Late 60's jiggly score of 3/10.
Unfortunately, the zombies in this movie are barely in this picture. Most of the film is taken up by John Carradine using a screwdriver. Or John Carradine flipping a switch. Or John Carradine telling his hunchback assistant about how he is going to flip a switch. Or the hunchback giving the camera a creepy look. Or federal agents talking in a room about John Carradine flipping a switch. After a while I found myself fast-forwarding lengthy sections of this movie. Boredom scale (0 being boring, 10 being Dawn of the Dead) 3/10.
Cheesy dialogue. A good "bad movie" will have a wealth of terrible one-liners and pseudo science. A bad "bad movie" will have dialogue too bad to make fun of, and acting worse than a 70's soft-core porn movie. I did enjoy the cheesy dialogue in this film. The best source of laughable lines came from Tura Satana, who was so cool and cruel that she almost seemed out of place in this film. Her bad acting was far better than everyone else's terrible acting. I give Astro Zombies a delicious cheesy dialogue score of 7/10.
Overall, I can't recommend this movie to fans of Zombie films. It is o.k. if you have a fascination with bad movies, though. Try to rent it, or pick it up used for under five dollars, if you are curious.
Movie Review: Soft porn disguised as sci-fi.
Summary: 2 Stars
This made for T.V. movie has all the trappings of independent films. Notice the unique credits shown over toy tanks and toy robots. Most of the film has the "B" movie feel with stilted dialog and erratic scene changes. There is something also very suspicious when you look on the wall behind the good guys and see a picture of Pres. Johnson.
A scientist Dr. DeMarco (John Carradine) is figuring out the formula for Astro Zombies the only way to go into space. These creatures can be mowed remotely controlled and programmed with knowledge from other people. Unfortunately Dr. DeMarco stepped over the line and could not tell the difference between subjects and corpses. Therefore he had to go.
A series of really dumb looking mutilated murders leads authorities to believe the Dr. DeMarco is still roaming around out there. Parallel to this several governments also realize that Dr. DeMarco is out there and watches secrets. One of Dr. DeMarco's assistance naturally female is a prime target or the goat on the string. Can DeMarco get her before he becomes de-markacated by his own creation?
The movie is permeated with scantily clad women; in one scene a woman has to display her bra just before she gets stabbed to death OOoooo. Don't forget to clean off your glasses for awfully long filler where topless green woman gets to play snake dance like the audience we have to watch it to make sure that there isn't any information that's relevant to the story.
Drive-In Cult Classics - 8 Movie Set
Movie Review: Astro-crap Zombies!
Summary: 1 Stars
I thought I had seen the worst movie ever when I saw Coffin Joe - At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul (hey that rhymes), but I changed my mind after slogging through this piece of crap. Completely and utterly unwatchable, horrific acting and no plot make this incoherent piece of junk too bad to enjoy even for B movie nostalgia. Where was MST3K on this one - I guess they didn't want to bother with it either!